Regret

Forgiveness is rarely easy but never harder than forgiving yourself.

Something brought to mind a particular guilt I carry this morning. It is the guilt over the suffering and death of my cat Hannah 10 years ago. Until she died I had no idea how serious her condition was. I tell her I’m sorry every day of my life but it isn’t her forgiveness I’m lacking, it’s my own. My knowledge of cat nutrition, health, and diseases today would have completely changed what I did for her. In light of the knowledge I have today I was negligent in caring for Hannah. I remind myself that guilt is the process of judging my actions in the past with the knowledge I have in the present. On an intellectual level I understand that, but it’s hard.

When I look back on being a young mother I shudder at the mistakes I made. In the world I grew up in people relied more on hand me down advice and superstition than they did on education and research. People didn’t go to college or read non-fiction. I remember a neighbor giving me a book for my birthday when I was 10 and it surprised me. I had never received a book as a gift before. So, with no formal education and no realization that I lacked knowledge, I began the most important role of my life extremely unequipped. It astounds me today to think of all the mistakes I made but no amount of regret can allow me to start over.

I fed my babies solid food when they were less than a month old. I had always heard that babies cried a lot when milk wasn’t satisfying them and you gave them cereal. Thank goodness I had read that rice cereal was better in some doctor’s office magazine or they would possibly have allergies now to contend with. I poured Diet Soda for my kids instead of water. I allowed some guy without an exterminator’s license to spray chemicals in my house without even thinking to ask what that chemical was or if it was approved for residential use. I didn’t know.

Sometimes I ask myself “how could you have been so ignorant”? My ignorance no doubt handicapped my two little girls in many ways but at least I gave them the belief that you aren’t defined by where you came from but instead by where you’re going.

10 years from now I will look back on the things I’m doing today and hopefully say “how could you have been so ignorant”? That will mean that I’m learning, growing.

Today I will again say "I’m sorry" to the ones that were in my care throughout the years. For your sake I wish I had learned a lot of things sooner. I suppose its progress to learn enough to have regrets.