Bev's Backyard

Thoughts On Wealth in America

2011-08-01T21:32:00.007-04:00

“A true revolution of values will soon cause us to question the fairness and justice of many of our past and present policies. On the one hand, we are called to play the Good Samaritan on life’s roadside, but that will be only an initial act. One day we must come to see that the whole Jericho road must be transformed so that men and women will not be constantly beaten and robbed as they make their journey on life’s highway. True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. It comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring. A true revolution of values will soon look uneasily on the glaring contrast of poverty and wealth.” ~ Dr. Martin Luther King 1967

As Washington battles to cut spending and politicians babble about the “nanny state” I am thinking today about the reality of our top heavy society. Is the “Jericho Road” far worse than it was in 1967?

Relevant to the time frame of Dr. King’s words the minimum wage had its highest buying power in 1968. The minimum wage in 1968 was $1.60 per hour. Using an online inflation calculator we find that it would take $10.38 to equal the buying power of the 1968 minimum wage. Our current minimum wage is $7.25 per hour. IF an individual can find one or more employers to accumulate 40 hours a week the minimum wage would only earn $290 per week before taxes. Since the trend with employers is to keep the number of full time workers to a minimum by employing more part time people getting 40 hours a week often requires multiple jobs and the difficulty of coordinating transportation and child care to do so.

A few decades ago it was possible for a person with a high school diploma and a good work ethic to make a decent living, to provide a reasonable home and the basics of life. The work might be hard in a textile mill or some other manufacturing facility but it provided a living wage, health benefits, and self respect. Unfortunately so many in society still view the poor (which is not limited to those below the poverty line) as being solely responsible for their hardships.

The table (left) shows the US Census poverty line for a family of four. With FICA tax deducted you have $1,717 per month. How do you begin to provide a safe place to live, utilities, clothing, food, transportation, and health care for four people on just $399 per week? Yet 19 million people in the US live in extreme poverty, HALF of this.

I have seen many wonderful efforts geared toward meeting the desperate needs of people struggling to survive in our midst. People with big hearts and tireless energy invest their time, money, and talents to address these hardships. But as Dr. King pointed out, these efforts don’t correct the social and corporate priorities that created the suffering. Unfortunately it seems to be getting much worse.

“The income gap in the United States has ballooned: It's wider than any time since 1928, in the days before the stock market crash triggered the Great Depression. The numbers are startling: Top CEO salaries were up 23 percent last year, according to the New York Times; the average worker's pay was up only .5 percent. Meanwhile, the top 0.1 percent of American earners now take in more than 10 percent of the nation's collective income. That puts the U.S. in the same inequality ballpark as developing countries like Cameroon and Ivory Coast.” ~ NPR

How is it supposed to work? Those pushing to cut government entitlements are the very people kicking the supports out from under average Americans that just want to work and take care of their families. How can Americans be self sufficient when the “job creators” are creating jobs in India? How can Americans reach for a better future when cuts are made to education on all levels and higher education is still a luxury and not a right?

In the 1960s CEOs made 30 times the average worker’s wage. In 2011 they average over 300 times the average worker’s wage. More and more employers are cutting medical benefits as insurance companies hand out double digit increases year after year. Oil companies post record profits as most of us struggle to fill our tanks to get to work.

Nothing that is top heavy can stand indefinitely. It will topple. As more and more Americans are broken, discouraged, and disenfranchised the very fabric of our society will continue to weaken.

Cowering In a Rut

2011-05-22T10:25:00.003-04:00

Being stuck in a rut is like reading everyday but never turning the page. Ruts are easy to get into and hard to get out of. First we have to realize we're stuck. You can use the word 'security' and 'rut' to describe the same situation sometimes. Security has a price.

I've been working on a project for a couple of years and it's still terribly fragmented. There are exciting components, challenging chapters, and life changing concepts typed into documents, scribbled onto hundreds of pieces of paper. What is lacking in the equation? My willingness to turn the page in my life.

Albert Einstein ~ “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

I suppose I'm not insane by that standard. I don't expect different results. I am well aware of my hesitation to start a new chapter. I am also well aware that I'm not getting any younger.

I've heard people say that change is slow, two steps forward and one step back. I suppose that's true but I still think there is a demarcation line, a day when you changed your mind, changed your expectations.

Humanity is like a puzzle, all the pieces are there but they aren't in the right place to produce the picture it is capable of. I wrote in my journal one morning “pain and defeat accepted for yourself is accepted for humanity”. In that vein it would seem that cowering in a rut short changes humanity and not just yourself.

Marianne Williamson wrote ~ “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.”

This morning there are no doubt millions “playing small”, cowering in a rut. What would the world be like if today that began to change?

Regret

2011-02-25T09:05:00.001-05:00

Forgiveness is rarely easy but never harder than forgiving yourself.

Something brought to mind a particular guilt I carry this morning. It is the guilt over the suffering and death of my cat Hannah 10 years ago. Until she died I had no idea how serious her condition was. I tell her I’m sorry every day of my life but it isn’t her forgiveness I’m lacking, it’s my own. My knowledge of cat nutrition, health, and diseases today would have completely changed what I did for her. In light of the knowledge I have today I was negligent in caring for Hannah. I remind myself that guilt is the process of judging my actions in the past with the knowledge I have in the present. On an intellectual level I understand that, but it’s hard.

When I look back on being a young mother I shudder at the mistakes I made. In the world I grew up in people relied more on hand me down advice and superstition than they did on education and research. People didn’t go to college or read non-fiction. I remember a neighbor giving me a book for my birthday when I was 10 and it surprised me. I had never received a book as a gift before. So, with no formal education and no realization that I lacked knowledge, I began the most important role of my life extremely unequipped. It astounds me today to think of all the mistakes I made but no amount of regret can allow me to start over.

I fed my babies solid food when they were less than a month old. I had always heard that babies cried a lot when milk wasn’t satisfying them and you gave them cereal. Thank goodness I had read that rice cereal was better in some doctor’s office magazine or they would possibly have allergies now to contend with. I poured Diet Soda for my kids instead of water. I allowed some guy without an exterminator’s license to spray chemicals in my house without even thinking to ask what that chemical was or if it was approved for residential use. I didn’t know.

Sometimes I ask myself “how could you have been so ignorant”? My ignorance no doubt handicapped my two little girls in many ways but at least I gave them the belief that you aren’t defined by where you came from but instead by where you’re going.

10 years from now I will look back on the things I’m doing today and hopefully say “how could you have been so ignorant”? That will mean that I’m learning, growing.

Today I will again say "I’m sorry" to the ones that were in my care throughout the years. For your sake I wish I had learned a lot of things sooner. I suppose its progress to learn enough to have regrets.

Cat Shelter

2011-01-09T22:06:00.007-05:00

We were outside filling bird feeders this afternoon when we heard a cat crying in the woods behind our house. A few seconds later a tabby came running toward us begging. She appears to be about 10 months old and she was very hungry. We fed her and gave her water. We decided we had to make her a shelter before the storm got here. We couldn't bring her inside because our cats had allergic reactions to vaccines when they were little and couldn't be vaccinated for feline leukemia. While Jim was gone to get the supplies I looked outside to see another stray curled up under a bush outside my window. I told Jim to buy supplies to make 2 shelter boxes.

Below you will see our shelter box made out of 2 plastic storage containers. It's an inexpensive way to provide some help for unfortunate cats that are outside.

You will need a medium size plastic storage container and a larger one so one will fit inside the other with some space to put an insulator of some kind, we used pine pet bedding but straw is often used. Cut openings big enough for a cat to get through but not too big. Allow for an inch or so of pet bedding or straw to go in the bottom of the large container for insulation before the medium one is placed inside.

Next use duct tape to tape the gap between the two boxes around the opening (so the bedding doesn't come out). Pour pine bedding or straw in the gap between the two boxes to act as insulation. Put some of the bedding/straw into the interior box for the cat to snuggle into.

Put the lid on the interior box securely (duct tape if necessary).

Cover the top of the interior box with more bedding as added insulation.

Put the lid on the large box and tape it securely with duct tape. Place the box in a dry location out of the wind. We put ours on the porch. It is best to put cardboard under them or sit them up on bricks off of the cold concrete.

I wish I could bring all the animals inside and out of the harsh weather but I can't. Jim and I feel better knowing they have somewhere to curl up out of the weather.

Heal the World

2010-05-30T18:18:00.003-04:00

Jim and I were talking about the rut we’re in the other night. During the conversation he asked me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. My answer was… “I want to heal the world”. After some jokes (a reference to Pinky and the Brain) and some well played, righteous indignation on my part we talked seriously about my statement.

Heal the world? Who in their right mind would presume such a task could be undertaken? Read the news for 15 minutes, read history… look around you. Evil, greed, suffering, and pain abound. How can anyone say their goal is to heal the world?

While writing about discovering your life purpose a few months ago I realized we all have the same purpose. We are here to love. We are here to remember our essence, the spirit at the core of creation. We are here to heal the world. The particular task we undertake may be different but at the heart of it our purpose is the same.

"Who am I?" we ask. "Look at my limitations." We, as fragments of creation, doubt our ability to affect the whole. We believe in our smallness.

“Your playing small does not serve the world.” Marianne Williamson wrote.

In a journal entry recently I admonished myself ~ “what you accept for yourself you accept for humanity”.

So what does healing the world look like? I’ve come to believe division is like a gash in the flesh. Giving power to what divides us is deepening that wound in humanity and prevents healing. The trend is to focus on differences, to paint those not like us with a negative brush.

Darkness is the absence of light. Fear and hate is the absence of love. We are called to heal the world. The light that removes the illusion of darkness is the love that removes the illusion of division.

Matthew 5: 14-15
“You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hid. No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lamp stand, and it gives light to all in the house.”

On Memorial Day we are reminded of those that paid a terrible price for the wounds of division in humanity. If we expand our focus to include the effects of war on the whole of creation the suffering we pause to remember would be magnified immeasurably.

A song written by Kerry Livgren for the band Kansas called Icarus II is about a dogfight, planes in battle. Excerpt from the lyrics…

And my enemies wait in the dark sky
Do they fear the same fear,
Do they dream like us
Do they long for the day when it's over
And they're safe

Now we're cruising above the horizon
Never knowing if we will return
In a moment we'll rain down destruction
And we'll justify all that we burn

“All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers.” ~François Fénelon

That is a very powerful truth. It is an uneasy truth because it won’t allow us to forget that at the core of all creation is the essence of the Creator.

I believe there are universal truths woven through religions. Those are…
Love the divine source - God
Love your fellow beings (because God is within all of creation)
Live with honor (living in covenant with all of creation)

We are all called to heal the world.

Do we rid the world of darkness by thinking our light is small? Do we foster peace without being peace? Do we heal the wounds in humanity by gouging deeper the gash of division? Can you ever serve the divine at the core of your being with anything less than love?

RAM

2010-05-28T14:22:00.001-04:00

When I begin to accumulate too many worries in my life I start to slow down. I find myself unable to be effective in any area since I’m concerned with all of them at once.

With a computer the operating memory is called RAM (Random Access Memory). If you run too many programs at once things will slow down. Since adding RAM to my brain isn’t possible I’m faced with utilizing what I have more efficiently.

Several times in my life I’ve bought outside storage for my brain. I call them worry books. The idea is to get these concerns/worries onto paper and out of my minute by minute thoughts. I dedicate a few pages of the worry book to each worry or problem like this:

• What is the worry/problem? (Details)
• How important is it? Will there be serious consequences if it isn’t fixed this week, this month?
• Is it really something I’m responsible for? Am I the one that will ultimately have to handle it?
• What can I do about it today? What can I do about it in the next 2 weeks? What can I do about it in the next few months?
• If I can’t solve the entire problem, what small steps can I make toward that goal?

I may put a problem in the worry book and determine that it is not my place to fix it. I may determine that the only thing I can do is support and pray for the person that will be dealing with it. I may decide that my plan of action is to put a prayer stone on the mantel and commit the person and the situation to the highest good. I may decide that I can do a few small things to be supportive and add them to my calendar or task list.

I may put a problem in the worry book that is more than I can handle at this time but is relatively important, a large house repair for example. I don’t have the resources now but it can’t be ignored indefinitely. In the worry book I come to terms with the actual urgency of the situation. Can the roof last 6 months? What can I do in 6 months to put me in a better position to address this major repair?

The important thing is that everything is in the book. Instead of being a nagging worry in my mind 24/7 it has been addressed. It has been prioritized. A plan of action has been put in place. It is dealt with.

Today I bought a new “worry book” and over the next few days I will be putting all my worries in it. Hopefully I’ll free up some RAM in this tired old brain and be functioning better before too long.

Behind the Brand

2010-05-07T11:59:00.001-04:00

There was a time when a 'Brand' stood for an expectation of quality. We believed we could trust the companies that manufactured our products to produce high quality, safe products. The name on the package was our way of knowing the product inside was something we could trust. We have lost that innocence.

Corporations no longer care about the actual quality of their products. They care about your 'perception' of their quality. It doesn't matter what the product is, they care about what you think it is.

The 2007 Pet Food Contamination is a good example of how little we can trust brands. The name brand pet foods were made in the same factories with the same contaminated, poor quality, China sourced, wheat gluten as the cheep stuff. This heartbreaking incident pulled the curtain back and showed us that the product is incidental to these companies. They wrap their name and feel good message around that can and cash in.

The examples go on and on... lead paint in Fisher Price Toys, Mattel Barbie Accessories, and Disney Store sleeping bags. Those precious little girls shoes sold at high end Nordstroms (March 09) - made in China and recalled for high lead content. You can't determine quality or safety by the price or the reputation of the retailer.

Protecting your family requires a lot of effort. I contact companies regularly to get more information about where their products are manufactured and where they source ingredients. When asked to put the facts in writing they usually reveal things their misleading packaging doesn't tell you. Where applicable I request the Material Safety Data Sheets. Any service provider (carpet cleaners, exterminators, landscapers, etc.) should not be trusted if they can't provide you with the MSDS for any products they propose to use at your home. Unfortunately you often find yourself having to choose between bad and worse.

Corporations have gobbled up quality food producers like a pacman game. News stories about acquisitions usually read something like this - “Conagra's Acquisition of (Family Owned Organics) Expands Brand Portfolio”. Notice the focus on brand. The value is in the “brand” they added to their portfolio not the products they produce. They are in the business to make money not quality, safe products for our families.

Consumers want to know they can trust something, a company name, a symbol on the package, or the information on the label. Currently that isn't possible. The corporations have marketing geniuses working full time to keep shoppers confused and misled. They have lobbyist fighting every attempt to regulate and protect consumers.

Until consumer outrage begins to affect the pockets of stock holders quality will continue to drift further down the priority list for corporations. They will continue to sell us hollow “Brands”.

Removing Wallpaper

2010-04-21T12:06:00.004-04:00

I've planned to remove the wallpaper in our hall bathroom ever since we bought the house. It became one of my "vacation" projects this spring. I wanted to remove it without strippers/chemicals and found that it is not that hard to do after all. Thanks to a youtube video I discovered a technique using vinegar and nothing more than a paint scrapper and spray bottle.

Using the paint scrapper to loosen edges I peeled the top layer off the wallpaper. This leaves a paper and glue layer.

Next I sprayed the paper/glue layer remaining with a 1 part white distilled vinegar to 2 parts water solution. After about 5 minutes you can scrape or pull the paper off effortlessly. Work in sections so it doesn't dry before you peel it off.

Today I get to paint the clean walls.

The Page

2009-12-27T18:47:00.001-05:00

Everyone has a home base I suppose. For some it's a structure, others a town. For me "home" has always been the page. For over 40 years I have retreated to the page to think, sort through life, and heal.

The page is a peaceful place even when you scratch line after line of turmoil on it. Everything dissolves to softness there. It doesn't flinch no matter how painful the words that settle upon it. There is a stable essence to the page, the flow of ink soothes the spirit.

It doesn't matter if the page is a loose leaf of simple paper or bound in an exquisite journal, it is familiar, it is home. It welcomes me when I am weary, welcomes me when I'm happy. When I'm tired and can't think of words it seems to whisper "rest here, tell me a dream". It is my friend, my constant in a changing world.

Black Bean Burgers

2009-08-15T12:00:00.003-04:00

Today I made black bean burgers to freeze. On days that I expect to need a quick dinner in the evening I'll take a package of them out of the freezer and put it in the refrigerator to thaw while I'm at work. It only takes a few minutes to cook them when I get home.

Here is the recipe...

2 cans organic black beans (rinsed and drained)
1 medium onion (chopped)
2 T. McCormick Steak Seasoning (any variety)
3/4 cup organic bread crumbs (may need a little more if too sticky – depends on moisture content of salsa)
½ cup Salsa (I use spicy)
½ cup chopped Cilantro leaves

Put onions and black beans in food processor and pulse a few times to blend and lightly chop the beans. Add bread crumbs, steak seasoning, and salsa… pulse to blend slightly. Remove from food processor, add cilantro, and blend well by hand.

Makes 8 burgers.

To freeze – form patties, lay flat on plates or cookie sheet, and put in freezer. When the patties are frozen they can be put in freezer bags and returned to the freezer.

New Beginnings

2009-07-26T12:15:00.007-04:00

In the goals I set for myself in May I said I would try to blog more often. I’m not doing so well with that one. Sad… it was easier to reestablish the weight training at 5 am habit. I’m not sure why.

There has been a lot going on lately. This seems to be a year of new beginnings.

Amanda and Brandon have moved near Chapel Hill. Amanda will be beginning at UNC Eshelman School of Pharmacy in a few weeks. By moving to one of the surrounding towns they were able to find a lovely little apartment with a park nearby for walking the dogs. She will drive to a park & ride and take the bus to campus. I had hoped she could be closer to campus but the drive might be worth it to have a relaxing place to live and study.

Sonia will be starting back to school in a few weeks as well. She is interested in Radiology and exploring her options there. Luckily she doesn’t have to move. She has put a lot of work into the garden and flower beds at her little house and Maddy loves her school.

As for me, I’m feeling a tad unsettled of late. It’s sort of like when you’ve been sitting or laying in one position too long. You begin to be uncomfortable, you feel pressure, pain. That’s a good description of where I am. I’ve been up and down the same stretch of roads for far too many years. I’ve done the same things over and over; monotony is not good ground for growth. Stagnation is lethal to the spirit. I’m not sure what changes I’ll pursue in the next year or two but my current path has become a bit of a rut. Growth is vital to fulfillment. Wings not expanded wither. Dreams and creativity like muscles atrophy when not used. It’s amazing how long we’ll walk with a pebble in our shoe before the discomfort becomes too annoying to ignore.

Environmental Carpet Solutions

2009-06-12T13:33:00.004-04:00

I researched for days trying to find a carpet cleaner that used non-toxic, environmentally safe products. I am very sensitive to chemicals and have a cat that has severe allergies. Indoor air quality and chemical residue were major concerns for me.

I found Environmental Carpet Solutions and Shawn was very helpful. He sent me Material Safety Data Sheets on the products he uses before I made an appointment. The Procyon products are Green Seal Certified and the MSDS sheets showed them to be the safest I had reviewed.

Shawn came out and cleaned our living/dining room and hall today and WOW... looks new. I never expected this carpet to look that good. I am so pleased with his professional service, the superior job he did, and the peace of mind I have knowing I'm not exposing my family to toxic chemical residue.

Pear Vinaigrette

2009-06-07T13:44:00.002-04:00

I love a fresh salad with roasted pecans, cheese, chopped pears, and a pear vinaigrette. Several of my favorite restaurants have a variation of this on their menu... some with cheddar and blue cheese, others with Gorgonzola.

Over the years I've tried several bottled pear vinaigrette brands and have never liked any of them. They just aren't anything like the restaurant dressings so I decided to experiment with making my own. This is the simple recipe I came up with. It's easy to make in the blender in about 30 seconds. The individual servings of pears can be stored in the pantry and olive oil and red wine vinegar are always on hand.

Liquefy in a blender...
1 individual serving of Dole Diced Pears in light syrup (the lunch box size packs)
1 Tbsp Olive Oil
3 Tbsp Red Wine Vinegar
1/2 to 1 Tbsp of cracked black pepper

Makes 2 servings (double or triple as needed)
Serving Size is approximately 4 Tbsp and is 110 calories

Saluda

2009-05-19T22:11:00.009-04:00

Jim and I have always liked exploring little towns so we chose the town of Saluda, NC to start our vacation at the end of April. A dear friend had told us it was a wonderful place (thanks Peggy).

The 2000 census has the population of Saluda at 575. It is 35 miles southeast of Asheville and after visiting I think it has an atmosphere unlike any town in the state.

We stayed at an enchanted place called Charles Street Garden. It is a single suite adjacent to the owner’s home (The Hoovers). It is nestled in a magical garden unlike any I’ve ever seen. The driveway is shared with Transfiguration Episcopal Church built in 1889. The steeple of the old church is the only thing you can see past the 225 year old oak tree outside the suite’s bay window.

We parked our car in the little spot reserved for the guests of the suite and walked through the ivy covered arch. You could hear the small fountain bubbling, a light tinkling of wind chimes, and the birds. It really was like entering a secret garden. This is a picture of the entrance to the property from where we parked.

Another ivy covered arch took us to a patio with a porch swing outside the door of the suite.

The suite itself is a nice room with a sitting area facing the bay window and a comfortable sleeping area. A small efficiency kitchen was stocked with teas and coffee. Fresh flowers were arranged next to the open windows and chocolates lay in a little dish on the table for two. Jim's slide show of our vacation shows the suite well.

Within 10 minutes of arriving at Charles Street Garden we both noticed a total sense of peace and relaxation. I’m sensitive to the energy of a space and this was one of the most peaceful places I had ever been.

The “garden” is a whimsical maze of narrow pathways opening occasionally into little outdoor rooms with a chair or two. Throughout the winding paths there are arches and pottery sitting amongst the dense foliage. I felt like a kid exploring this space. It was easy to forget it was in a quiet neighborhood.

We had dinner at a wonderful restaurant called The Purple Onion. I chose the pear salad and Jim the spinach salad with goat cheese. We shared a roasted vegetable pizza with rosemary. The wine was good, the food was superb, and the outdoor dining area comfortable and relaxing.

There were too many magical things about Saluda to write in one blog but some of the highlights were…

Visiting a shop called The Salamander. The owner let me photograph the garden behind his store.

Visiting Pearson Falls nearby (beautiful)

Sitting inside the old Episcopal Church for a moment of prayer (they leave the doors unlocked and the owners of the suite told us we were welcome to go inside). ** See Jim's slide show for a picture inside.

If you ever need to get off the hamster wheel I would recommend Saluda. The owner of The Salamander put it well when he said “there is a good energy here”. I’ve spent a week in places that didn’t leave me feeling as healed and rejuvenated as 36 hours in Saluda.

Sunday Evening Ramblings

2009-04-19T22:15:00.002-04:00

I had my first decent meal in days for dinner… spinach salad, spicy tempeh/vegetable stir fry, and jasmine rice. I find myself grabbing a bag of almonds and a soda when I’m busy running errands. I go for days with nothing more substantial than an English Muffin and then I wonder why I feel bad.

I did take some time to do nothing today. Being still is so important and I don’t give myself that time often enough. Today I curled up in the hammock chair in my office for hours. I drifted through all sorts of thoughts in a half sleeping/half awake state. It’s like conscious dreaming and it releases the mind like nothing else.

The hammock chair used to hang from the loft beams into the living room of our condo. I would sit there for hours staring up at the stones in the 2 story fireplace wall. When we moved to this house Brandon secured a brace in the attic so the chair could hang in my office here. It faces a palladium window with sun catchers, chimes, and ivy. I really should make dwelling in that peaceful place more of a habit.

Last night we had a party to celebrate Amanda beginning grad school at Chapel Hill in August. I think they will be really happy living there. The months ahead will be busy for her. I’m praying she will be blessed with an easy transition.

Chloe is intent on her pursuit of a purple mouse, her favorite toy these days. We have purchased many dye-free, organic cotton toys for her allergies and she finds an old Wal-mart mouse somewhere and acts like it’s the grandest thing ever. I hope she doesn’t end up needing a steroid injection from it. I just haven’t the heart to take it away just yet.

Well I suppose I’ll read awhile and get ready for the work week. I’m looking forward to the vacation days we have scheduled soon.

Blogging

2009-04-10T09:51:00.001-04:00

I admire people who write blogs daily. They seem to be in a gear my transmission has lost. They’re full of fresh ideas. Sometimes I can’t manage a “tweet” and that is only 140 characters.

No doubt the problem is the idea that a blog should be about something, have some form of significance.

“You assume you know what is significant grasshopper.” (Does anyone else have that voice in their head calling them grasshopper all the time?)

My morning journal habit is easy. Its ‘brain drain’, free thought, no subject… no rules. If I wrote like that in the blog this is what you would be reading… “Why don’t the cats like the new litter box? Should I move it? I wish I could just go to IKEA today with a truck. I wonder if we will have severe storms tonight? The subconscious mind is such a powerful thing. How does the dance between conscious perception, subconscious imprinting, and maybe even the collective unconscious (Jung) work? What does that dance mean to my perception of reality? Can you learn new steps? I love to dance.”

I’ve set goals to blog more often but something in my nature rebels against the idea of putting requirements on expression. I don’t like the word “goals” anyway. The word “goal” focuses on the future and all growth takes place in the present.

So today I’m blogging about not blogging. Spell check seems to think “blogging” isn’t a word. “Ah grasshopper, you have much to learn about language.”

Sunday Nights

2009-03-29T22:56:00.004-04:00

Sunday nights have been depressing for me most of my life. When I was a child Sunday night meant my Dad would be gone when I woke up in the morning and not come home until Friday. He traveled a lot with his work. Now it means going to work and spending long days in a windowless office.

This is the view from the windows in my home office. Its hard to leave this comfortable space in the mornings.

I used to go home for lunch everyday when I worked 10 minutes from home. I miss working in the community I live.

Beautiful Morning

2009-03-02T11:50:00.003-05:00

I went outside to take some pictures of the snow on the trees this morning. Beauty should always be documented.

What is that?

2009-03-01T20:57:00.003-05:00

Chloe and Amber think something odd is going on around here.

10 Things

2009-02-27T21:27:00.002-05:00

When I turned 50 I decided to write down 50 things I had learned over 50 years. I admit it, that was well over a year ago and I still haven't finished the list.

Anyway...here are the first 10 things on my list.

1. You never figure it all out.

2. By the time you get everything ready the game could be over (ready or not - start).

3. The right questions are more important than the right answers.

4. No matter what you do...10 years from now you'll know better.

5. The only lonely you can't survive is losing yourself.

6. "One Day" is a bad place to store your dreams.

7. The difference between weeds and flowers is perception.

8. Circumstance follows perception (you experience what you believe).

9. Wisdom is only heard in silence.

10. Grip is everything... hold on too tight and you strangle the gift, let go too much and it escapes your grasp.

"This is not a game."

2009-02-06T09:48:00.002-05:00

I agree... the situation we're in is not a game.

Prayer For the Jobless

2009-02-05T21:48:00.002-05:00

Great Wolf Lodge began a 3 day job fair today. With 500 positions to fill they were interviewing at Lowes Motor Speedway. That would seem like good news with unemployment what it is but the scene that unfolded accentuated the enormity of the situation we're in. People began lining up in bitter cold temperatures at 6 am even though interviews wouldn't start until noon. They stood in long lines for hours and many were turned away as the lines reached a length that would put them 6 hours away from the chance to apply. 3000 people applied for 500 jobs in just the first day.

As I watched the news coverage of the people in those long lines I felt their struggle to hold onto hope. I realized their struggle was being played out all over the country day after day.

Behind all those news articles there are Moms and Dads trying to figure out how to keep the house, struggling with the fear that keeps them awake at night. There are people hungry and tired.

Tonight I say a special prayer for the jobless and the weary. May there be a special peace for them.

Just thinking...

2009-02-03T22:36:00.001-05:00

Is it really February already? I'm still working on the list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2008. I've learned to be careful venting that frustration though. Somebody will inevitably remind me that I'm getting older.

I've been wrestling with depression as more and more bad news comes our way. Each day there is another company announcing layoffs, family members struggling to get by, and a barrage of negative national news. There is little hope for those already on the edge in a market with so many out of work and so few jobs. I can feel the fear and desperation when I think about all those people. It's tangible, almost as if the air is thick and heavy.

I believe we are suffering from a collective depression. We rarely hear optimism these days. I can't remember the last time someone talked about something they were excited about, something they were hopeful for. The most dangerous thing in our current environment is our lack of faith and hope. I'm a firm believer in the power of your focus. What we commit our attention to is given power in our lives.

I sometimes wonder if the overdose of news and information that occupies our days is part of the problem. I remember when news came only once or twice a day, in the morning paper or on the evening TV. We actually lived 8 to 10 hours a day in the present moment, where we were, with the situation at hand. These days the situation at hand often pales compared to the breaking news story in our inbox. You can't even have a relaxing lunch since TV's hang from the wall of most restaurants. It's hard to believe in greener pastures when we see nothing but despair in every direction.

I wonder what would happen if everyone in the entire country would just laugh, all at once; just look at each other and bust out in some insane, tension breaking laugh. I'm sure it would be followed by rivers of choked back tears. But maybe when the laughing and crying were through we could start to stand up again, like that game we used to play where we sat back to back with arms linked and tried to stand up. Maybe... if we laugh together, cry together, and push our backs against each other instead of the wall... maybe we can stand up.

Sunday at home...

2009-01-11T17:16:00.003-05:00

Sunday is usually a domestic day for me. I spend the day doing laundry and cooking things that will provide meals for the work week. I cooked some wonderful southern fried tempeh for lunch with a few spicy dipping sauces. I chuckle a little when I say "southern fried tempeh". Growing up in the south I've seen just about everything pan fried with a crispy crust from green tomatoes to squash, from frog legs to chicken, but I dare say nobody I knew ate southern fried tempeh.

If you've never cooked with tempeh you are definitely missing something. It's cheaper than meat, cruelty free, and very nutritious. You can read more about that HERE. I like the nutty texture. It makes great BBQ and mock chicken strips. Tempeh bacon is perfect for putting on top of baked beans before they go in the oven.

I also made a nice marinara sauce so I could put together some baked spaghetti for late dinners. I have a lot of basil in the freezer from last summer and that made the entire house smell wonderful. Red wine is a necessity too of course... in the sauce and in my glass. One of Jim's best purchases in the last year was a wine aerator by Vinturi (pictured below). I never seem to be prepared enough to decant the wine well in advance. This gadget is fabulous and worth the $40.

I'm not looking forward to the work week but taking a day to rest and prepare helps. Since choosing a vegetarian lifestyle we find it more of a necessity. Zipping through a drive through after working late isn't an option.

Congratulations Amanda!!!

2009-01-01T18:25:00.001-05:00

Jim and I picked up our favorite sparkling wine on the way home last night but after a long day even the New Year couldn’t put us in a mood to celebrate. We’re old enough to say “it will keep” and so it did. As it turned out the bottles waiting in the refrigerator came in handy today.

Amanda has also been busy. In the rush of the last few days she hadn’t checked her emails. Today she checked to find an email from the Eshelman School of Pharmacy at UNC Chapel Hill congratulating her on her acceptance. This is her second acceptance letter but Chapel Hill is without a doubt at the top of the list of schools to which she applied. It is the second ranked pharmacy school in the nation and attending is a well earned, exciting opportunity. We’re very proud of her and it was a happy moment when we popped the cork and toasted her wonderful news.

Congratulations Amanda!!!

A New Year

2008-12-30T22:41:00.001-05:00

A new year stretches in front of us like a fresh canvas. New years are a time for hope and reflection, individually and collectively. It is a time to embrace in our hearts and minds what we long to manifest in our lives and communities. It is a time to pause in prayerful consideration of the story we are writing for ourselves and for the world.

John O'Donohue wrote… "To engage with honor the full possibility of your life is to engage in a worthy way the possibility of your new day." New days often run their course without us thinking consciously about their possibility, their gift. New years are different. A new year is a demarcation line that accentuates the possibility of a new beginning in a special way.

As we embark on the journey of a New Year we are called to imagine, to day dream a bit and ask ourselves what we would be if anything were possible. What if anything were possible for me, for the community I touch with my life? The first step in any great story is the planting of a dream, allowing our vision to break free from the myth of limitation.

Holidays

2008-12-26T23:30:00.001-05:00

We’re winding down after a busy holiday. Today we went to Grandma’s to wish her Happy Birthday. She is 92 years old today. Dozens of grandchildren, greats, and great-greats filed through her house. We were there yesterday evening but that was the Christmas visit, birthdays are different. It was fun yesterday though. Jim did a magic routine with light for everyone. My cousin’s kids were fascinated and Grandma was too.

I went by Kitty City on the way to Grandma’s today. Kitty City is a rescue facility for cats and they do educational programs about animal welfare in schools. I had received an Amazon gift certificate for Christmas and used it to buy 3 cat beds and some organic toys to donate to Kitty City. There are so many tragic stories with these cats and I was glad I could turn the certificate into something positive. The day I received it was not pleasant so knowing these fur babies will be able to curl up in a comfortable bed and feel safe made it better.

Christmas Day was wonderful. In the past the girls, son-in-laws, Madison, and my parents came to our house for lunch. This year we all went to Sonia’s for Santa. Madison didn’t open presents until we all got there and we had a great time. Even the adults got toys – hot wheels, play-doh . There was lots of laughter and love. When all the presents were opened we all sat down to a variety of homemade soups and a salad. It was a good day. Jim and I have a wonderful family. I’m praying for a blessed new year for all the special people in my life.

Puttering

2008-12-06T17:36:00.001-05:00

I’ve been a total bum so far this weekend. I have a lot of projects that I probably should be working on but I’m not very motivated. I thought about decorating for Christmas but I’m not in the mood. I do have this 14” tall wire tree here on my desk. It looks more like something you would clean out a pipe with than a Christmas tree but its eccentric enough to have won me over instantly.

I have a tendency to surround myself with things that strike my fancy at the moment. In front of my keyboard there is a blue wooden cat that I picked up in Key West, a small plastic alien, a cork from a recent bottle of champagne, some stones, a stuffed lizard, and a desk bell that I ring when an idea strikes. I don’t get to slap it as often as I would like these days. Ideas are sort of mired up in this muddled state of mind I’ve developed lately.

I did make myself a little present today. A few weeks ago I ran across a matted print of an old 26” bicycle parked next to a fence with the ocean in the background. I had a blue one just like it in the early 60’s. The bike in the picture has a basket on the handle bars with fresh flowers in it. The picture seemed to embody my vision of life at its sweetest. It’s a dreamer’s scene, a place where there is nothing but possibilities. It reminds me of my younger days; days when daydreaming filled most of my hours. I printed favorite quotes in small letters around and around the mat, inspiring things that bring me back to center. I think this will become one of my treasures.

When I was a child I would hang out and piddle around because there was nothing else to do. I grew up to believe goofing was a waste of a day off. Lately I’m coming to find value in puttering about aimlessly. “So you see, imagination needs moodling --- long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering.” ~ Brenda Ueland

Well my mind is distracted now, even from writing this. I think I’ll get a glass of wine and curl up with some paper and a few colorful pens to doodle.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T21:50:00.001-05:00

With Thanksgiving just around the corner I’ve started my preparations. Tonight I’m making vegetable broth. You can’t buy anything commercially that works as well in my sage gravy. Tomorrow I’ll be baking cornbread for dressing, sweet potatoes for the sweet potato casserole, and a couple of pecan pies.

We’re having Thanksgiving at my daughter Sonia’s house this year. I’m in charge of the vegetarian dishes and the chocolate and pecan pies that are expected. She’s taking care of the pumpkin pies and the carnivore dishes. Amanda is bringing vegetables and biscuits. We always have entirely too much food but we have a slight problem with decisions. What pie? Chocolate for my dad and brother, pecan for Brett and Amanda, pumpkin for Doug and Brandon. Oh, and throw in a peach cobbler for anyone that isn’t in the mood for pie. It’s pitiful.

I think holidays would be more enjoyable if they were simpler but I’m outnumbered. I can imagine a Thanksgiving with a pot of soup and some fresh loaves of bread.

I’ll need to find my tree branch and cut out some colorful leaves before Thursday. Madison likes the thankfulness tree I started several years ago. I went outside and cut a branch with several limbs from a bush. I put it in a flower pot and stuffed tissue paper around it so it would stand up. Beside the little bare tree I placed construction paper leaves in fall colors with ornament hooks attached and ink pens. As everyone arrives we write on the leaves what we’re thankful for and hang them on the tree. After dinner I read the leaves out loud to everyone.

I have vegetable broth to strain so I had better get back to the kitchen. I’ll put a recipe for my chocolate pie below. Happy Thanksgiving!

Chocolate Pie
Put 4 or 5 fork holes in two frozen pie crust and brown them.

* Mix Dry Ingredients well in a separate bowl.
1/3 cup cocoa
1/3 cup corn starch
2 cups sugar
1 tsp. salt

* Whisk Together in a large bowl.
2 cans evaporated milk
1 cup 2% or whole milk
4 egg yolks.
1 tsp. vanilla

* Stir in dry ingredients slowly whipping with a whisk.

* Cook in microwave on high… stopping it to whisk every few minutes. (You can see it thicken around the edges… whisk… continue)
It takes approximately 12 minutes to completely thicken. Some microwaves take less time, some more.

* Top with meringue, making peaks with the back of the spoon.
* Brown the meringue until golden brown.
* Cool and top with shaved chocolate. (Shave chocolate with a potato peeler).

Secret: Prepare your meringue while the filling is cooking. If you put the meringue on the filling before it forms a film it won’t slide off when cut.

Meringue
Beat 6 egg whites until stiff and forms firm peaks.
Slowly add 1/3 cup sugar… continuously beating until stiff and forms firm peaks.

Marching to Vote

2008-10-19T16:15:00.011-04:00

Thursday was the first day for early voting in North Carolina. Jim and I joined many other Obama supporters at the Obama office in Concord to march to the Board of Elections to vote Thursday afternoon. It was a family event for us. My parents (Jack and Irene), my daughters (Sonia and Amanda), my son-in-law Doug, and our granddaughter Madison were all there. As we marched with our Obama signs held high people passed by honking horns, giving thumbs up signs, and cheering.

Having our family participate in this together was really cool... four generations sharing a common "hope" for the future of our nation.

Here are some pictures.

Mom and Dad before the march...

The line wrapping around the building waiting to vote...

Madison after we finished voting...

The family after voting...

When we got back to the Obama Campaign office we took some pictures with the cut out of Obama.

Hatred... the fruit of a Christian life?

2008-10-12T13:20:00.003-04:00

Jim and I were canvassing for the Obama campaign yesterday. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect, and there was a wonderful fall breeze playing through the leaves. We visited over 40 homes and talked to a lot of really nice people. We talked to people who had decided to vote for Obama, to people who had decided to vote for McCain, and people who were undecided. We heard great stories about dogs, cats, gardens, and homes in addition to the political opinions and concerns over the multifaceted crisis our country is in. The conversations were all easy and pleasant except one. It was a house with “God Loves You” prominently displayed and yet the icy glare of the owner and the snappy bitterness at our very existence on the planet left you feeling the owner didn’t share that “love”. That encounter brings me to the question for my blog… is venom and hatred the fruit of a Christian life?

Many Christians have adopted a belief system in which their righteousness is defined by what they hate and who their enemies are. This view is encouraged by many religious organizations and commentators. The GOP is playing to this venomous view of everyone who isn’t like them to unite people around a shared hate. The politics of playing to the worst in people is a topic for another day however.

Jesus is attributed to have admonished us to “love your enemies”. I’m not sure if the word “enemies” as it pertains to our culture isn’t perhaps part of the problem. Did Jesus intend for us to view everyone that doesn’t think like us, look like us, and believe like us as our “enemies”. “Enemy” depicts someone that is hostile toward you or is in some way against you.

Webster: one that is antagonistic to another ; especially : one seeking to injure, overthrow, or confound an opponent

Dictionary.com: a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.

People are not your “enemy” simply because they don’t share your views. They are not your “enemy” because they haven’t interpreted God in alignment with your theology. They are not your “enemy” because they are different. I struggle to comprehend the conceit that must be necessary to firmly believe that you have it all figured out and anyone that doesn’t agree with you is your enemy and an enemy of God. But even if, through some warped sense of self righteousness you hold this belief… doesn’t the very faith you base your superiority on call you to “love”?

Noni's New Place

2008-09-28T22:01:00.001-04:00

My daughter Sonia moved this weekend. It’s an old house behind my parents place but I liked it the moment I walked through it. There is an energy there that sort of takes you back, that makes you feel a simple peace. Something about the place just makes ‘being’ seem easy. I can see why she adored it. The old house seems to have a surety about it, a sense of belonging that is so rare in our world today. I’m happy for her.

A lot of love is joining with Sonia this weekend as family comes together to paint, move, and furnish the place. It does my heart good to see the love that has been manifested from my little girl’s dream.

Tonight I wish for my precious daughter and her family the sweetest joy in the place they now call ‘home’. May this place stir within you a sense of wonder and faith. May it’s energy remind you daily of your worth. It suits you Noni… it’s a good place for growing.

The Election and YOUR taxes

2008-09-24T18:28:00.001-04:00

Ok... I thought this was cool. This website calculates how YOUR taxes will be affected by the election of each candidate.

electiontaxes.com

Fruits

2008-09-22T10:41:00.004-04:00

People are genuinely confused about what constitutes "values" in our nation. The email I received this morning sort of highlights that. It is interesting to see how people interpret the "fruits" of individuals.

Here's the email...

I'm a little confused.
Let me see if I have this straight...
If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're 'exotic, different.'
Grow up in Alaska killing and eating moose, you're a quintessential American story.
If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
But if you name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.
Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.
If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.
If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with fewer than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive (and according to the actuarial tables, you have a greater than 30% chance of succeeding the president during your first term).
If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.
If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, left your severely handicapped wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.
If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school systems while your un-wed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.
If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family values don't represent America's.
If your husband is nicknamed 'First Dude', with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.
OK, much clearer now!

2008-08-31T22:41:00.003-04:00

When John McCain announced his Vice Presidential Nominee I was stunned, shocked, and absolutely terrified. The selection of a VP nominee is one of the most important decisions a presidential candidate makes. It is a weighty decision with the future of our nation resting on this judgment. The VP must be ready at any moment to step into the role of President, Commander in Chief. This is even more significant with John McCain who is 72 years old. If elected he will be the oldest person to ever take office as president of the United States. John McCain had cancer, specifically Melanoma in 2000 and is in remission. Even without the melanoma history he surely must realize that the average life expectancy for a male in the United States is 75.4 years and he will have to surpass that to complete a first term. Sarah Palin could have the presidency of the United States of America fall into her lap and that is what terrifies me. It also highlights McCain’s complete lack of judgment. He had met her once prior to entrusting her with this responsibility. There are also growing questions about whether she was properly vetted before being chosen…

From The Anchorage Daily News…

Former House Speaker Gail Phillips, a Republican political leader who has clashed with Palin in the past, was shocked when she heard the news Friday morning with her husband, Walt.
"I said to Walt, 'This can't be happening, because his advance team didn't come to Alaska to check her out," Phillips said.
Phillips has been active in the Ted Stevens re-election steering committee and remains in close touch with Sen. Lisa Murkowski and other party leaders, and she said nobody had heard anything about McCain's people doing research on his prospective running mate.
"We're not a very big state. People I talk to would have heard something."
Few wanted to talk about anything else on talk radio Friday. Conservative host Rick Rydell said there are some benefits to the state, but it's a gamble for McCain to pick an unknown with what he considered "questionable vetting."
"It seems almost like a Hail Mary pass at the end of a football game," Rydell said in an interview after his show Friday.

Not only must we wonder if John McCain properly and responsibly vetted Sarah Palin we also must wonder if she knows what being Vice President means. I realize her degree is in journalism with only a minor in political science but surely there was a Civics class in there somewhere. With the following statement it appears Mrs. Palin needs to be informed that the Vice President serves as the President of the Senate and may break ties in that chamber in addition to being the direct successor to the president.

A month before being asked to run as the Vice Presidential candidate for the Republican Party with John McCain Palin made this statement…
“But as for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day? I’m used to being very productive and working real hard in an administration. We want to make sure that that VP slot would be a fruitful type of position, especially for Alaskans and for the things that we’re trying to accomplish up here for the rest of the U.S., before I can even start addressing that question.”

And before I wrap up I’ll turn to the topic of Palin and the Hillary supporters. There is much speculation that choosing a woman (obviously any woman) was an attempt by the McCain campaign to pander to the Hillary Clinton supporters. Sarah Palin made a point to speak to them in her speech in Ohio. It astounds me that they would assume anyone wearing panties could be a substitute for Hillary Rodham Clinton and earn the respect and votes of Hillary supporters. Why should it matter that Mrs. Palin is totally against everything Hillary values and has worked for her entire life? Why should it matter that she has no national or international experience? She’s female.

I’ll conclude with the highlights of the education and careers of Hillary Rodham Clinton and Sarah Palin which I pulled from wikipedia.

Hillary Rodham Clinton
Education…
Wellesley College - Graduated with a BA in Political Science in 1969 with departmental honors.
Yale Law School – Juris Doctor degree 1973, editorial board of the Yale Review of Law and Social Action, took on cases of child abuse at Yale-New Haven Hospital and volunteered at New Haven Legal Services to provide free legal advice for the poor, first scholarly article (Children Under the Law) was published in the Harvard Educational Review in 1973.

Sarah Palin
Education…
Hawaii Pacific College – attended for 1 semester in 1982 majoring in Business Administration and transferred to North Idaho College
University of Idaho – received a bachelor of science degree in communications-journalism in 1987 with a minor in political science.

Hillary Rodham Clinton
Career Highlights…
Served as staff attorney for Children’s Defense Fund. During 1974 was a member of the impeachment inquiry staff advising the House Committee on the Judiciary during the Watergate scandal. Also in 1974 joined the faculty of the University of Arkansas School of Law. Joined Rose Law Firm in 1977 and worked pro bono in child advocacy. Published scholarly articles including “Children’s Policies: Abandonment and Neglect” in 1977 and “Children’s Rights: A Legal Perspective” in 1979. In 1977 Hillary co-founded the Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families. Was appointed to the board of directors of the Legal Services Corporation by Jimmy Carter and served from 1978 to 1981. She was First Lady of Arkansas for 12 years and continued her career with Rose Law Firm. Became First Lady when Bill Clinton took office in January 1993 as president of the United States. She was the first First Lady to hold a post-graduate degree and Chair of the Task Force on National Health Care Reform starting in 1993. She traveled to 79 countries and was instrumental in the State Children’s Health Insurance Program.
Elected to the Senate in 2000… and served on the Committee on Budget, Committee on Armed Services, Committee on Environment and Public Works, Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions, and Special Committee on Aging. She is also the Commissioner of the Commission on Security and Cooperation in Europe.

Sarah Palin
Career Highlights…
Worked briefly as a sports reporter for an Anchorage TV station.
Helped her husband with his commercial fishing business.
Note: In addition to his commercial fishing business her husband works for BP
City Council of Wasilla, Alaska from 1992-1996 --- Wasilla is a town of approximately 12 square miles with a population of 6,715 according to the city website.
Mayor of Wasilla beginning in January 1997 (immediately fired the Police Chief who had supported her opponent on grounds that he didn’t support her administration).
Ran for Lieutenant Governor in 2002 and failed. Appointed to the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission and chaired the commission from 2003 to 2004. Became governor of Alaska in December 2006. (Fired the Public Safety Commissioner who alleges the dismissal is partly due to his reluctance to fire Palin’s former brother-in-law involved in a divorce with Palin’s sister) Note: Alaska is #47 in terms of population for the 50 states and Palin has been governor for 20 months.

Between the ditches and growing older…

2008-08-19T10:53:00.000-04:00

Lately I've come to a rather depressing conclusion. Steering a life is a tough task and you're lucky if you keep it between the ditches half the time. You think about things like that after the age of 50. What have I done with the 18,612 days of my life so far? Did I use them well? Is the story of my life what I would want it to be?

If I'm truthful I'll admit that I haven't ended up where I wanted to go even in the last 5 years. If someone had handed me a magic window back then so I could see my life in 5 years I wouldn't have liked what I saw. In fact, I would have probably dug my heals in and refused to move. It would have scared the hell out of me. So how did I end up here? It's called 'The Path of Least Resistance'. You don't actually choose it; this is a direction that results from lack of steering. If you've ever woke up after dozing off for a couple of years and realized you don't know where you are or how you got there then you understand.

So what do you do when you end up somewhere that you don't want to be? You can't go back to a former reality and start over. The fact is there is only one starting point on any journey and that is wherever you currently are. If you plan to find any magic in your life you'll have to look for it starting right here. That is much, much easier said than done. Rocking the boat could result in all sorts of difficulty and preventing pain is a powerful motivator to stay put.

So, here I am on August the 19^th wondering if it's too late for a New Year's resolution. If not then I'm going to resolve to devote some time to personal reflection and put my hands on the steering wheel of my life.

"Flutterby" in the garden...

2008-07-20T11:52:00.004-04:00

I took some pictures of one of the visitors to my garden this morning. Even my presence a few feet away didn’t seem to take priority over the delight of the coneflowers. It was a nice treat to watch the “flutterby” enjoying the flowers. I’ll be planting a lot more coneflowers next year. They handle the heat well and need little watering... and they’re perennial. I’m becoming fond of things that aren’t as demanding.

I don’t enjoy being outside as much in the summer. When the temperatures and humidity climb I spend more time inside. The plants begin to show the strain of mid-summer, fire ants seem to pop up everywhere, and mosquitoes own the evening. The mood changes in the garden as all the lush spaces now seem stressed. By mid August I’ll be long past ready for fall. I’m not sure if summers are getting more unpleasant or if I’m just getting old.

Evening Rain

2008-07-13T20:06:00.001-04:00

When the lightning stopped I went outside to look at the Hydrangea's first bloom. As I walked back toward the house I found it irresistible to stay outside in the magic of the evening rain. The birds were singing and flying between feeders and limbs. The rainwater dripped from every blossom and leaf. I can't begin to describe how beautiful it was.

I'm pretty soaked as I sit down to type this blog. Time stands still when you find yourself in a moment of peace like that, raindrops running down your face like happy tears. The scent of every flower seemed to swirl like dancers around me. The crape-myrtle blossoms hanging heavy with rain were softer than silk.

Life is really something to behold. It's a shame we notice it so seldom.

Valleys

2008-07-09T17:55:00.000-04:00

I've been enduring a significant case of the blues for a while now. I don't like the word "depression". The pharmaceutical companies have done a fine job of turning that word into a handsome profit. I have the unpopular opinion that you can't medicate the ups and downs of life. Feeling good and being happy all the time is not a realistic expectation. If I ever do accomplish that Utopian existence I hope it is the result of some sort of personal enlightenment and not from mastering child proof caps.

I added an interesting book to my 'purchase soon' list. The book is written by Eric Wilson, chair of the English department at Wake Forest University. It is called 'Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy'. I haven't read it yet so I certainly can't recommend it but the fact that it was written is intriguing. Has our society presented us with as unrealistic an expectation about mood as they have about beauty?

I have to stop here and clarify that I'm not against prudent treatment of mental illness when warranted, even with pharmaceuticals. I do however feel that life is supposed to have some lows and our culture has negated the value of those valleys in our life. I also don't think those valleys can always be kept to a 2 week time frame as the diagnostic criteria would suggest.

There are seasons of growth that only take place in the valley, fragments of wisdom that develop from the weight on our hearts and minds. I sometimes wonder if our resistance to those seasons causes us the most pain.

There are many beautiful things born in the valley of our souls, great art, priceless literature, and compassion. I think of all the sad songs, haunting paintings, and intuitive poems that I have resonated with throughout my life. What if all those beautiful people had never spent time in the valley of their soul? Those of us that followed would have felt more alone wouldn't we?

Time's Up!!!

2008-06-30T17:34:00.002-04:00

I realized today that 2008 is half over. Didn't I welcome the new millennium just last week? They say time speeds up when you get old. They also say that time flies when you're having fun. Does that mean being old is fun but doesn't last long?

I've looked at how little mileage I get out of 24 hours before but I keep thinking there must be a trick to it. For a while I thought the key was to slow down, do less. It worked when I was 10 and staring at the clouds during the lazy days of summer. It doesn't work now. I don't know how many times I've looked at the clock on a lazy Saturday to find it's late afternoon already. "What? What happened to Saturday? All I've done is check the news on the internet and thumbed through this magazine. OK, so I lost an hour, maybe two… but a whole day?"

My goal for the month of July is to figure out where I'm losing time. I'm going to caulk some of the black holes in my day that the minutes are seeping out of. If anyone has any ideas on how to do that I'm open to suggestions. I'm sure there are books out there on the dilemma but Amazon and I have done enough damage to my budget already. Time's up.

A Free Day

2008-06-20T08:57:00.001-04:00

I've had my coffee. In front of me is a day, an entire day that I can stay right here and do whatever I want to do. I don't have to go to work and all the household chores can wait until tomorrow. It's the same feeling I get sometimes when looking at a blank page... where do you start? Do I want to read one of the books stacked on tables in my office corner? Do I want to write? Do I want to sit in my hammock chair and watch the sunbeams?

When I was a kid I used to have no problem with a day when nothing was required because I required less from nothing. I wasn't stressed about de-stressing. I wasn't worried about worrying too much. Nobody had to tell me to "be" in the present moment, where else would I be? Days to lie on your back and stare at the clouds came one after the other all summer long, no big deal. A free day is so rare to adults that it is precious. You find yourself afraid you'll waste it and that concern alone makes it no longer a "free" day because you're not free, your own expectations have stolen it. Anytime you saddle something with the need to be 'just right' you have sacrificed it. People do that with vacations, special occasions, and days off.

My one wish today is that I'll be able to let go and not ask anything of my free day.

My Garden Pictures

2008-06-08T16:00:00.013-04:00

My garden has been a wonderful place to be this year. I love watching things grow and having fresh herbs and vegetables is a special wealth. Jim says I’m the happiest when I’m playing in dirt.

I’m not spending much time out there this weekend because of temperatures around 100 degrees but the past two months have been beautiful. We have lots of guests in our backyard… squirrels, all sorts of birds, butterflies, and the occasional turtle. We feed them and make sure they have fresh water in the birdbath. In my garden I feel at peace.

I thought I would share some pictures…

I love container gardening for herbs. At the condo that was all I had. The spot on the patio behind the chimney seems to provide just the right environment for them. I have sweet basil, purple basil, cinnamon basil, chives, sage, oregano, lemon thyme, thyme, rosemary, and catnip. I bought prostrate rosemary this year and have it in a hanging basket with thyme. The baskets and pots give the herbs a good growing environment and free up my beds for other things.

In a deep container garden on the deck I have planted green peppers and onions. Also on the deck are window boxes with Romaine Lettuce, Green Leaf Lettuce, and Cilantro.

The square bed on the left has 4 Heirloom Rutger tomatoes with their companion marigolds. The Rutger was developed in 1934 and was once the most widely grown tomato in the United States.

The long bed in the middle has 3 Celebrity tomato plants, their companion marigolds, green beans, and zucchini.

The square bed on the right has cucumbers, golden zucchini, and a couple crookneck summer squash.
I have a lot of tomatoes on the vines. I'm very grateful to have bees to keep the pollination work done.
The bluebirds have been back this year. I love watching them. These houses were a great investment. The roof line and holes are no problem for the agile bluebird but other birds can't manage the landing.

When I was a child I remember seeing my Uncle Carl kneeling in prayer in his garden after he planted. He used to tell me he prayed that he would be blessed with enough to eat and enough to share. I like that memory. In the garden I am blessed with miracles long before harvest.

Here are a few more pictures.

I Feel Good

2008-06-05T10:16:00.000-04:00

When Madison was 2 years old Jim and I took her to the zoo. She was bebopping down the path dancing and singing "I feel good... na na na na na na na... I knew that me would." People were totally delighted with her celebration of herself and life. She was only 2 but the girl could strut. Today I don't have much to say but "I feel good"... cool surprise!

Hillary's Rationalizations

2008-05-23T11:11:00.003-04:00

Like many observers I continue to be shocked by the destructive behavior of Hillary Clinton. The accusations she irresponsibly makes are divisive and simply untrue.

We have heard her suggest that she is the candidate for “hard working Americans, white Americans”. First of all, what respectable leader would frame themselves as the white candidate in the year 2008? Beyond that, it simply isn’t true. Since the population of the United States is 80% White and only 12.8% African-American and Hillary only has 47.5% of the popular vote in the democratic primary to date it appears a lot of “white” people support Obama and find her racial divisiveness offensive.

We have heard her suggest that she is the victim of Misogyny (hatred of women). We are to believe that anyone who voted against Hillary is either a male who hates women or a female who hates themselves. It couldn’t be that people vote for the person they trust regardless of their sex. In fact most would agree that being a woman has helped her. Everyone I have personally talked to who voted for Hillary cited wanting to see a woman president as the primary reason for their vote.

Then there is Florida and Michigan. Hillary is promoting the notion that she alone supports democracy, she alone stands for counting every vote. First of all we must be clear that Hillary supported the rules of the democratic primary before the process began. If you go to Hillary’s website, click on newsroom, then press releases, and then search the archive you will find the following press release from September 1, 2007…

9/1/2007
Clinton Campaign Statement on the Four State Pledge

The following is a statement by Clinton Campaign Manager Patti Solis Doyle.

"We believe Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina play a unique and special role in the nominating process.

And we believe the DNC’s rules and its calendar provide the necessary structure to respect and honor that role.

Thus, we will be signing the pledge to adhere to the DNC approved nominating calendar."

We know that Hillary signed the same pledge the other candidates signed and supported the rules before the voting began. We also know that Harold Ickes (Clinton campaign senior strategist) has changed his position on the situation. In August 2007, as a member of the Rules and Bylaws Commission Ickes voted to strip Michigan and Florida of their delegates. Now he wants to reverse that decision and do so in a way that would give Clinton 73 delegates and Obama 0 (since he wasn’t on the ballot). Don’t take into account he wasn’t on the ballot because of the decision made by the Rules and Bylaws Commission including Ickes, a ruling that was agreed to by all the candidates.

Michigan has suggested a reasonable solution for their state. They would divide the delegates with 69 to Clinton and 59 to Obama as a way to take into account the 40% of the voters that voted uncommitted/undecided since that was the “anyone but Hillary” option they had. Obama and Edwards were not on the ballot. Hillary received only 56% of the vote even though she was the only major candidate on the ballot. There is no way to know how many stayed home and didn’t bother to vote at all because there was no choice. In Hillary’s world she gets her delegates and the popular vote and Obama gets zero, that’s her version of “count every vote”. What about the 44% of voters who voted against you?

Also in Hillary’s world we are asked to ignore the states of Iowa, Nevada, Washington & Maine who use a caucus system to award delegates. They don’t “count”. To claim a popular vote lead Hillary has to ignore these states and anyone in Michigan that didn’t vote for her. Now that is creative isn’t it? Does that sound like “count every vote” to you?

This matters because it reflects on Hillary Clinton’s judgment and her character. It says something about how she is willing to rationalize and manipulate in order to end up where she wants to be. Do we want another president that manipulates the facts to support a predetermined objective? That is how we ended up in Iraq. A rational, honest, and ethical approach should determine the finish line. The finish line should not be determined first and the approach and ethics adjusted accordingly.

Just Thinking...

2008-05-21T09:48:00.001-04:00

It is sad to find yourself so uncertain about life at my age. Or then again, maybe it's a blessing. What is worse, having no idea what to do next or being so certain of the box you belong in that it isn't even a question?

It's funny how we viewed adults when we were children. I just knew that growing up would bring this security, this utter certainty about everything. I would know what to believe, who to trust, where I was going, and why I was born. I don't.

I'm at a point in my life when most everything feels like a poor fit, like a shirt that tugs funny when you move and is just the slightest bit aggravating. Is it romanticizing to view that as a sign I'm evolving? It's certainly easier to swallow than the possibility that I've taken a wrong turn somewhere.

I wrote these words in a journal once…

"If when my life is over I am remembered for my heart then I will have lived a genuine life. If I can look back on my life and see a woman that always explored the wonderful things that were there to see, taste, and learn then I will smile. If I can share in the lives that each of my loved ones have to explore then I will smile. What more could there be than to love freely and live outside the box?"

Maybe there is something to be learned from those words. Am I exploring, sharing, loving freely, and living outside the box? Jewel's lyrics come to mind… "And you wake up to realize - Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive."

Happy 30th Birthday Sonia

2008-05-09T12:15:00.002-04:00

30 years ago today I was in Baptist Hospital in Columbia, SC anticipating the birth of my first child. By late afternoon I was holding a tiny baby girl with dark hair and blue eyes for the first time. I’ll never forget that moment. I looked into her eyes and she stared at me with such a serious expression. I felt the weight of the world, her world, placed upon my shoulders in that instant.

During the years that I’ve been privileged to be Sonia’s mother I’ve gotten it wrong as much as I’ve gotten it right. My obsession with getting it right was often the very thing that tripped me up. I held on too tight once in a while, did too much, did too little, and my stress became her stress at times I suspect. I wish I had known more about the wisdom in simply ‘being’ back then. I wish I had known that life is more beautiful when experienced as a stroll instead of a race. Mothers wish many things when they look back from the vantage point of lessons learned and mistakes made. While you’re there you do your best and love them with all your heart. When they’re grown you hope somehow that was enough.

There were many moments during the last 30 years that stand out in my mind. I can hear her laugh when she was an infant. It was a deep, belly laugh that seemed to come from the core of her being. She still laughs like that. Everyone laughs when Sonia laughs.

Sonia is a smart, loving woman. She has a huge heart and a vibrance that is destined to contribute something good to the world. She is learning what her gifts are.

Today on her 30th birthday I want to tell my sweet Noni that I love her with all my heart. I wish for her the things that make life a celebration… people to love, work that gives you a sense of purpose, moments that take you by surprise, faith to see you through, and an awareness of all the blessings we sometimes overlook. I wish I could have given her more, guided her better, and showed her more deeply how precious she is.

I think back to those eyes looking at me for the first time and remember the question I imagined behind them… “So, you’re my Mom, are you ready for this?” Well Noni, I probably wasn’t but I’ve learned that with most things we seldom are. We grow together. Thank you for growing with me for the last 30 years. I love you Angelface! Happy Birthday!

This Tuesday...

2008-05-03T11:13:00.003-04:00

This Tuesday people in North Carolina and Indiana will have the opportunity to make a very important decision. Our country faces challenges and hardships that pose a serious threat to our way of life and our national security. It is the obligation of voters to bring to the general election the most responsible candidates from both parties, people that have the judgment to lead. The Republicans have made that decision. It is up to registered Democrats to choose the most honest, rational individual in these closing days of our primary.

I am frightened by the many faces of Hillary Clinton and by her cavalier attitude toward very serious matters. In her recent statement concerning Iran she said, “we would be able to totally obliterate them”. All of us understand the need for a strong foreign policy and a commitment to our allies. We also understand that it is irresponsible for a president, much less a candidate, to mouth off so nonchalantly about something that is a very serious matter, nuclear options, a world war. Our military is stretched thin with multiple deployments and our country is deep in debt for a war that was jumped into with insufficient evidence. Our soldiers are paying the price, their families are paying the price, and our economy is paying the price. We don’t need another ‘shoot from the hip’, ‘speak without thinking’, and ‘act without weighing the outcome’ cowboy (or cowgirl) in Washington.

National polls have consistently showed over 60% consider McCain and Obama “honest” while less than 50% see Hillary as “honest”. The tall tales about Bosnia sniper fire haven’t helped anything. What bothered me even more was the excuse given for the untrue story she told repeatedly. They claim it was late and she was tired so she misspoke. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to feel comfortable knowing that the president of the United States can’t exercise rational judgment when she’s tired?

Today, I am sincerely asking anyone that might read my blog to vote this Tuesday for Barack Obama in the Democratic primary. He is the most honest, rational, and sincere choice to be the Democratic candidate.

Blessings to all and I trust you will join me in prayer for this pivotal time in our nation.

Obama

2008-05-01T12:11:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I'll be privileged to hear Barack Obama speak in Charlotte. I'm really excited about the opportunity to be at the rally. I truly believe Obama is a rare historical figure that represents vision and hope. He is a stark contrast to the average politician.

I have many reasons for supporting Obama. One important reason is his judgment and character. The president of the United States needs to be a level headed individual that can weigh many views and ideas and offer sound leadership and careful judgment. We've had years of polarized, ineffectual government run by career politicians and lobbyist. While they played politics the people of our great nation have been increasingly hurt and ignored. We need a leader that seeks to bring Americans together to work on the serious issues that face our country. I believe Obama's willingness to bring everyone to the table and lift up our country is his greatest strength.

I believe most of us want the same things. We want a job that provides a living wage. We want to be able to go to the doctor when we're sick and put nutritious food on our tables. We want to send our children and grandchildren to good schools and college. We want clean air, clean water, and safe streets. With these common goals we don't need to be such a divided people. We need leadership that supports unity instead of division. I am convinced that Obama is that leader.

It is inspiring to see people of all ages, races, and backgrounds excited about the future of this country. Hope is a powerful thing. This is "Change" I can believe in.

Gardening

2008-04-26T20:28:00.001-04:00

There is a magnificent storm outside and I can relax here knowing all the fertilizing was done just in time for a good soaking. I’ve been busy gardening for the last few weeks. I love the beginning of the growing season. I stay tired but it’s a good tired compared to that frustrated exhaustion you experience fighting traffic everyday.

All of my vegetables and herbs are planted and doing well. We have small tomatoes on one plant and the others are starting to bloom. I’m hoping the flowers I planted near by will bring the bees. When I was a child there was no shortage of bees. I remember stepping on more than my share. Now I thank God whenever I see one. You learn to appreciate things in a garden. I find myself talking to ladybugs, blessing the rain, and telling earthworms they’re doing a good job.

I grow a lot in containers. The basil, oregano, catnip, thyme, rosemary, cilantro, and even lettuce do much better in all the big pots. Working the perennial herbs into the landscape is in my long-term plan. Each year I chip two or three things off that wish list and add a half dozen more. It will no doubt end up being very “long-term” plan.

Today I’m very grateful for soil to work in, being able to afford plants, and a home to sit in and listen to the rain. I am very blessed.

The Herb and Plant Festival

2008-04-20T16:44:00.001-04:00

I had a wonderful day yesterday. We visited the local Farmer’s Market for the Herb and Plant Festival and I spent the afternoon planting my garden.

The Herb and Plant Festival was great. It was the highlight of my week’s vacation. There were over 75 “vendors” (local farmer’s and craftsmen) selling plants, herbs, honey, soaps, baked goods, garden art, and more. There is something about an open air market with local folks selling homegrown things that makes the spirit soar.

We saw farmers we’ve been buying from for years. The Barbee’s told us about their venture into hot house farming this year and we bought the most delicious tomatoes and green peppers that celebrated their success. We took home fresh eggs and pepper plants too.

Hearing “hey lady” when I visited the Green’s booth made the rat race seem a million miles away. She advised me on which heirloom variety tomato would suit my taste for acidic fruit and I took home beautiful plants. Amanda told me she was there later in the day and heard “your mama was here earlier”. There is a community in a small town farmer’s market.

The chef from the local, organic, vegetarian restaurant was there buying herbs to grow behind the restaurant. A relatively new beekeeper shared his experiences with Jim. A young boy (maybe 9 or 10) took the time to show me this game his grandfather builds to sell and I almost cried listening to how special this simple game that Toys R Us never heard of was to him.

We grow a lot of herbs and vegetables ourselves but we’ll visit the Farmer’s Market often this summer anyway. You get so much more than fresh food to nourish the body in a way the shipped in stuff can’t. You are blessed with getting to know the people that grew it or made it. There is a spirituality to food and I believe that is paramount in our overall well being. It’s something that can’t be measured in vitamin or calorie content. I believe the food bears the spirit in which it was developed. The difference in a local farmer who loves the land and a distant corporate farm that destroys the environment and neglects workers is huge.

I know exactly where to go for the best apple butter or a brownie to melt in your mouth. I know who will have the best cantaloupes you ever tasted. Before long the little lady will be selling her “angel biscuits” and I’ll keep them in my freezer for those rushed mornings when I could use grandma’s baking to bless my day. I’ll buy sunflowers to put in vases, fresh picked blackberries, and fresh corn. Most of all I’ll listen to the stories, hear the laughter, and feel blessed that in this crazy world there is still such a special place.

Southwestern Vegetable Soup

2008-03-09T20:20:00.003-04:00

One of the challenges of eating a vegetarian diet is having really delicious food when you don't have time to cook. Choices in many restaurants are limited (if they only knew how often they lose business because someone in the dinner party is vegetarian). To give me something easy to pack for lunch or heat up for a late dinner I try to make a pot of soup on Sundays. I thought I would share my recipe for a wonderful, slightly spicy vegetable soup. It's packed with nutritious vegetables and legumes and is truly "comfort food".

Ingredients:
2 cans black beans
2 cups frozen corn
2 cups frozen lima beans
2 cans diced tomatoes
1 medium onion
1 medium green pepper
1/2 bag of baby carrots
4 cloves garlic
2 cans vegetable broth
1 tsp cumin
1/4 cup chili powder

Chop:
1 medium onion
1 medium green pepper
1/2 bag of baby carrots (cut into little slices)
4 cloves garlic

Put the above into a large pot with 1/4 cup of olive or canola oil and sautee until onions are translucent.
Add: 2 cups frozen corn
2 cups frozen lima beans

Continue to sautee on medium heat while you prepare the rest of your ingredients.

Rinse 1 can of black beans and put into food processor with 1 can of diced tomatoes. Puree. This will give the soup that thick, rich texture.

Rinse the 2nd can of black beans and set aside.

When the vegetables in the pot have cooked about 5 minutes add:
2 cans vegetable broth
The black bean & tomato puree
The Rinsed black beans you set aside
Remaining can of diced tomatoes
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cumin
1/4 cup chili powder

Simmer on low for an hour or more.

Responsible Consumers

2008-02-24T13:15:00.005-05:00

Factory farming and the resulting cruelty to farm animals has been a concern of mine for some time. The big, corporate run food machine has long ago lost touch with the basic responsibility of humane treatment of the creatures of God that they utilize for profit. Sometimes the outrageous examples will make it to mainstream news but it’s usually only the “tree huggers” or animal rights folks that take the time to look at the process.

When someone questions my food consumption decisions I will usually say that I have a problem with the reality of farm animals in the current food production system. More than once I’ve had a hand go up followed by the familiar words… “Ok, don’t tell me about it because I don’t want to know.” Needless to say that attitude, this selected blindness bothers me. People don’t want to know, if they know they might have to be responsible for their decisions.

The average person is extremely detached from the realities of the life cycle and the impact human beings have on the planet and other species. Someone else kills their food for them, someone else makes the trade decisions, and someone else cares for the sick and the dying. I remember attending a funeral once of an elderly man and observing that the only tears shed were those of the CNA's, his nurses, attending in their uniforms. They were the ones that cleaned him, fed him, and shared in the reality of a human form withering and dying.

There was a time when you had to kill to eat flesh and the reality of the animal’s life and method of death were burned upon your mind. When human beings are detached from their food it’s easy to say “it’s not my problem” or “I don’t want to know.” Trust the USDA or the CEO’s of the corporations trying to cut expenses and raise the bottom line to decide how it’s done. If people took their blinders off and did some research they would see it isn’t working out.

Consumers aren't the only ones with selective blinders. I recently inquired of a local farm concerning their meat products. They were very proud of their farming practices, and indeed they were commendable, but when it came to the method of slaughter they had chosen the person admitted they had never personally witnessed it and didn't want to. Here is a person that makes a living raising animals to be killed and sold as food products and they preferred to remain detached from the reality of their decision for slaughter facilities and methods. I’m sure most people don’t want to witness a slaughter but if you choose to be in the meat business that is a part of your responsibility to the animals and to your customers.

For a long time, I felt pretty comfortable with egg/cheese consumption. I bought a major organic brand and didn’t think much about the dairy or egg industry. That was not a responsible choice I’ve learned. The conditions chickens live in are deplorable. Even “cage free” doesn’t guarantee they ever see the light of day. Our vision of chickens pecking around the barnyard is far from reality with most egg producers and male chicks of no use to egg farms are put into grinders alive. I also discovered the commercial dairy industry is a very cruel operation and the animals probably suffer more than the ones raised for meat. I felt a moral obligation to make better choices so I wouldn’t be contributing to this reality.

In recent months I’ve made the effort to research the products I support with my purchases and it has resulted in a lot of changes in my buying habits. After reviewing Organic dairies I discovered Horizon was not highly regarded for either their organic properties or their handling of animals and that a large portion of their milk came from large factory farms. I decided on a farm co-op called Organic Valley as the most responsible choice at this point. Their milk is available at major stores but I have to go to smaller stores to get their cheeses so far. Later I happened across a video on youtube that made me feel pretty good about that choice. You can see it HERE.

I have found that people really misunderstand morally motivated vegetarians and animal rights activists. They aren’t radicals that want you to chew on celery sticks and sing “Kumbaya” everyday. They are advocates for responsibility and the humane treatment of animals. If you asked average people, most would say they want their food products to be humanely produced. The difference between them and an activist is in the willingness to take responsibility. When the system is so wrong activists are willing to be responsible, to research the foods they purchase and not support companies that don’t do it right. They are willing to take a good long look at the disturbing videos and reviews of the industry and say… “that’s not acceptable”.

Another excuse is “I’m just one person, it won’t make that much difference.” The system is based on consumer demand and as more and more consumers start expecting better and backing that up with their purchasing decisions we will see change.

If you want to know more about factory farming you can visit the Humane Societies farm page HERE.

Weariness

2008-02-18T07:22:00.000-05:00

Being tired makes life hard but being weary is another thing all together. Being tired affects the body and even the mind. Weariness is a state of the soul. Weariness cannot be rested away or banished with distraction. Weariness is a bruise at the core of your being, a void that can’t be labeled. Weariness is a vacancy, a lack. Tired is the result of what is present and weariness is the result of what is missing.

Perception

2008-02-06T11:00:00.000-05:00

Perspective is everything. How you see the world, how you 'perceive' what someone says… this shapes your reality. We seldom hear what someone means. Interpretation is the result of an action or conversation being sifted through our individual filters, insecurities, and conceptions to arrive at the base of our brain as a 'view' of what took place. The more angry or discouraged you get the negative filters become more prominent. The long held doubts we all carry about ourselves can become a nice wall or a gaping wound in short order when our emotions take over. 99% of what we think to be reality is neither fact nor truth… it is the product of our perception.

In a time when being right is valued above all else we need the sobering knowledge that our perceptions shape our reality. The power of perception shapes the policies of nations, justifies mans inhumanity to man, tears families apart, and destroys communities. It is hard for most of us to consider how a situation could be viewed differently. We really aren't that good at "walking a mile" in someone else's shoes. Healing is possible when we make the effort to imagine ourselves on the other side of the fence, when being right is down the list of priorities and understanding the situation through another's eyes is at the top.

Wants, Wishes, and Wisdom

2008-02-05T10:05:00.000-05:00

Have you ever gotten exactly what you wanted and it didn't bring you the happiness you were certain it would? Have you ever ended up with something that wasn't what you wanted at all and it took you by surprise, enriching your world in ways you couldn't have imagined? Sometimes we don't notice how blessed we are, like Dorothy we wish for something else only to find ourselves longing for where we were. There are a lot of things like that in my life, places and times I miss but didn't value enough when I was there. Then there are those little things that we are certain we don't want at all that teach us something worthwhile in the end. I'm not sure how you discern the value of your dreams or the accuracy of those first impressions. Reflection is supposed to help us learn from where we've been so we treasure more in the present and choose better for the future. Is it possible to develop wisdom about such things or is it the natural course of an evolving life to sometimes long for what was and occasionally be surprised by what is?

Ripples in the Water

2008-01-27T00:48:00.000-05:00

As I sat in a bible study last year a thought came to me. I flipped to a blank page beneath the one I was taking notes on and wrote “the ripples in the water are not your concern, you are simply called to toss the pebble”.

Today I have witnessed the most splendid interaction between those that tossed their pebbles and the ripples that touched the most unsuspecting ‘others’.

Some time ago, a Valentine’s Day if I recall correctly, I bought a copy of a favorite book for each of my daughters. This week my youngest daughter opened those pages and found some simple wisdom that brought her to a place of understanding, a remembrance of sorts. The woman that wrote the book did not know of me or of the daughters that I would share the book with, she simply tossed the pebble.

While digesting this wisdom my daughter visited a little shop and met another that encouraged her. Later, in a store, she encountered a woman that needed information that she happened to be experienced in concerning supplies for a sick man. “Bless you” the woman said to my daughter. Blessings are always reciprocal.

Later today we noticed him, a tan and white dog just inside the woods. I had seen him before, dragging his chain but I didn’t know where he belonged or from where he occasionally escaped. Today he was trapped, entangled there in the trees behind the wood pile by his chain.

My daughter saw the car go down the street and knew that the driver was looking for something. She went to the street to encounter an old woman driving around looking for her dog. The hours that followed became a dance in miracles, so unexpected in the midst of what I thought was a predictable afternoon. The dog was secured while we went for more hardware to fix his trolley run to keep him from the dangers of the nearby highway. The old woman’s hand bled from the chain she was not able to manage. “Bless you” she sincerely uttered before going to urgent care for medical attention with the knowledge that two strangers would secure the dog she loved.

My daughter asked me on the way to the hardware store if I followed the books suggestion and prayed each morning to BE a miracle. I wish I could have answered “yes”. Maybe after today, after the experience of ripples on the water I’ll utter that prayer more often.

Thoughts on a snowy afternoon...

2008-01-19T15:55:00.000-05:00

A heavy, wet snow is falling outside following a morning of cold rain. As the temperatures drop into the night it will all become a frozen challenge to those not fortunate enough to be sitting at home listening to old tunes and reflecting on things that have been, and things that are.

Birds and squirrels are unashamedly devouring the food we put out in feeders and dishes around the back deck. 5 or 6 male cardinals sit near each other eating. There’s no competition today, no territory to defend… instinct drives them to eat without distraction.

I used to pray for days like this and tuck myself away, totally prepared to enjoy the retreat. My joy in the beauty of the moment is tempered a little these days by the constant awareness of how different it looks to those (humans and critters) that aren’t enjoying my viewpoint. Someone will have tears on their cheeks later as they drive on the icy roads in fear. Dogs, cats, and wild animals will shiver against the bitter cold without shelter. What is majestic to me is a life threatening challenge to many of God’s creatures tonight.

We so seldom see the world from the perspective of the ‘other’. I wonder if it matters that I join them in my heart with a prayer for whatever this moment requires for them, whatever they need.

In recent weeks I’ve thought a lot about the heartbreaking pain that goes on every minute of everyday. I think about those that are starving, those that are abused, those that are gripped with pain… old folks, children, men, women, animals. Every minute children are horribly abused, animals are tortured, and God’s creation weeps. As the stories come into my awareness I shudder with the weight of it all… children thrown from bridges, animals burned, people gone mad. What does the heart of God feel?

I’m thankful for this blessed afternoon with good food, a majestic view, and people who love me. God, hold those that are not so blessed in this hour and most of all… soften the hearts and open the eyes of those that fancy themselves to be walking a path of righteousness.

A Dry Season

2007-10-21T22:03:00.000-04:00

I haven’t written anything to post here in some time. There are times when you simply find yourself lacking direction, stumbling a bit. I’ve maintained my morning pages, those aimless volumes where I spill whatever is on my mind onto the page while I sit with my morning coffee. It’s good medicine, nothing required… be as wise or as petty as you want, it’s a safe place.

The summer has been long and trying. The drought is the worst in recorded history and temperatures over 100 degrees were all too common. You can literally feel the agony of the earth when you walk on the parched ground past trees with wilting leaves. The birds have been quiet a long time and all of nature whispers a prayer for relief. I find myself feeling guilty washing my hands. We had a little rain the other night and I awoke to the sound of celebration outside. The morning was damp and cool and I swear I heard all of nature praising God for the miracle of the scarce droplets.

Stagnant times in our lives are so unwelcome and misunderstood. We consider them unproductive, a waste. As I reflect on this dry season of my soul I can’t help but wonder if the entire story is on the surface. Even when our limbs wilt and our strength fades there is the hopeful reaching of our roots for water. Faith is the surety of abundance in the midst of lack.

Morning Glory

2007-06-30T23:18:00.000-04:00

I went into the garden about 6:00 AM this morning. I don’t have the luxury of spending mornings in the garden during the week. It’s a beautiful thing to walk through the garden in the early morning. Bees dance on squash blossoms, birds sing in the trees, and the smells bring back memories. The acidic smell of the tomato plants brings me to the days of my childhood. The aroma of basil and oregano reminds me of fresh Bruschetta on a lazy Saturday afternoon with good red wine and my husband’s laughter.

One of my favorite blessings this year is the morning glories. I’ve loved morning glories since early childhood but have never tried to grow them. When I was a little girl we lived in a place called ‘GI Town’ in Kannapolis, NC. It was a village of houses owned by the mill and rented to workers. There was a cemetery near our house and I used to walk there with my mother. I still love the peace of cemeteries. One of the most beautiful things I remember was the wild morning glories that bloomed there. When I nicked those little seeds and soaked them in water back in February I had no idea what a blessing they would turn out to be. The morning glories are glorious and they greet me each morning with the promise of beauty in my day.

The sweetest thing happened last week. I went outside to look at my morning glories and there in a nearby bed was a wild morning glory wrapping softly around a small bush. It was the same lavender blue that I remember from 45 years ago in the cemetery. I felt the tears swell in my eyes. We are reminded by the smallest things that we are precious in the heart of God.

Chloe and Amber

2007-06-15T19:46:00.000-04:00

Springtime is the season for millions of unwanted kittens to be born. Even with the tireless efforts of education programs and the availability of spay/neuter clinics for reduced cost spay/neuter procedures many owners don't take responsibility for their animals. It is estimated that 10 million dogs and cats are euthanized each year.

We had been blessed with many years of love with Heidi and her sister Hannah that died a few years before her. Early in May we decided to keep the cycle of love going and to adopt two little sisters that were waiting at the humane society for a chance to love and be loved themselves.

Chloe and Amber were 9 weeks old when they came to live with us on May 9th. They stole our hearts from day one. They are affectionate, smart, and well behaved. It had been a long time since we had kittens around so we've been remembering all the tasks necessary for kitten proofing our home. It makes 'child proofing' look easy. Cabinet and door latches, cord covers, and extra precautions are necessary when you have curious babies around.

The picture was taken a few weeks ago. They were about 12 weeks old in the picture. Their coloration is what is called Torti and white. I've read that in Japan cats with those colorings are considered lucky. I think we're lucky to have found them.

I still blow kisses to my princess in the garden each morning. I think she would be very happy that these babies are cared for and that they are making her Mom and Dad smile. Love is the essence of the divine in all of us. Loving these little girls was the next step for my path.

Heidi's Garden

2007-05-08T21:39:00.000-04:00

The last 6 weeks have been both heartbreaking and miraculous for me. I’ve shared the last 15 years of my life with a wonderful baby girl (cat) named Heidi. Heidi comforted me when I was sick, sat with me when I wrote my journals, listened to me when I needed someone to talk to, told me she loved me before I left each morning, and ran to show me how precious I was to her when I got home. She knew me, sensed even the slightest trouble in my spirit and laid a soft white paw on me for comfort, looking at me with those smart, searching eyes. She was so precious. On March 31^st we had to let her go. Jim and I both feel lost without her.

Many people hesitate to discuss the eternal when referring to a species other than our own but I’m not one of those people. I believe that love is the part of all things that is God and love is eternal. She loved, selflessly, without reservation, her spirit is eternal.

Love is what is healing the void and reminding me that love never dies. On the day she died she was surrounded by people who loved her. Throughout the hours after she passed from this realm of existence we were held in love. All afternoon and late into the night our son in law Brandon worked to create a garden in her memory. Sonia and Amanda picked out a bird bath and hauled mulch. When the sun rose the next morning a sanctuary had been born. The love that went into that garden was my saving grace. In the weeks that followed I spent days and nights in tears. Those tears still come but they are softened by the miracle that Heidi’s garden has become. It is my place of peace.

I had put up blue bird houses weeks before Heidi died but had not seen any. In the year plus that we have lived here there have been no squirrels, no doves, and few variations of birds. One morning a week or so after Heidi died I opened the blinds to see a bluebird in the tree outside my window. The bluebird flew from the tree to the stone that reads “Heidi” in the garden and sat a minute before flying to the bluebird house for the first time. Later that afternoon I was amazed to find a squirrel sitting in Heidi’s garden near her stone. Since then bluebirds are nesting, gold finches are visiting, and a whole family of squirrels have chosen the garden. A dove (Heidi loved to watch the doves at the condo) came to me one evening as I sat in total amazement at the wildlife sanctuary that has blossomed in the last few weeks.

What changed in the place that used to be my backyard? What brought the abundance of life to the space that is now Heidi’s garden? I believe love changes things. Love is the energy of life, the essence of God. We are connected to the divine when we experience love, when we give love. Do I believe that Heidi’s spirit graces the garden? I do. I believe that her love is a presence there and not hers alone. The love of all those that channeled their hearts into that space during the time of our grief dwells there too. I believe all that love changed the energy of the space and draws life.

Where there is loss, the answer is love. Where there is pain, the answer is love. Where there is anger, the answer is love. Where there is division, the answer is love. When we love we are walking in the presence of the divine. A plaque in the garden reads “love never fails”. I will always love my Heidi and miss her. I will also remember that love is eternal and knows no boundaries.

Spring Fever

2007-03-18T23:00:00.000-04:00

It was a beautiful day today. I’ve had spring fever for weeks. It’s hard to think of anything else when your home office is in greenhouse season. The large palladium window in my office is blessed each day with the morning sun. I have over 500 seedlings growing in flats and pots here. In a few weeks I can start introducing them to the outside environment but right now I have hundreds of thin stems reaching toward the sun, fragile and delicate like wobbly promises.

I have a long term dream for my yard. I’m returning it to the creatures from which it was taken. I’ve researched gardening for wildlife for some time. Did you know the National Wildlife Federation has a program to register your backyard as a certified wildlife habitat? Providing food, water, cover, and places to raise young for birds and animals qualifies your yard to join the over 70,000 that are already certified. I’m planning my planting using as many native plants, shrubs, and trees as possible. My choices are being made based on their benefit as food and shelter. I’m sure it will take years but slowly there will be no grass in my back yard. When I look out my windows I’ll see a natural landscape with a few paths inviting me to walk in harmony amongst the creatures who call it home. I’m looking forward to that.

Does God Intervene?

2007-02-06T22:55:00.000-05:00

Who or what is God? How does this entity relate to human kind? Does God intervene in the circumstances of human existence?

In a discussion I had recently someone very adamantly described exactly who God is. This individual (like many) believes that God is the all knowing, all powerful Father (physically male) who protects His children and unleashes His wrath on the other guys. God is their protector and provider. My thoughts today center around the questions presented by such an assumption.

Most have heard someone attribute to God’s intervention a myriad of blessings. God helped someone get a job they wanted or intervened to make sure a flat tire didn’t happen until they were almost home. Those are amazing details for God to be orchestrating. Now here is the question. If God is all powerful and all knowing... if God intervenes for the well being of individuals, why did He let thousands of innocent children be raped, bludgeoned, starved, and tortured today? Does this mean God isn’t all powerful or that He has an odd set of priorities? Did God reach through the veil to keep air in a tire until a more opportune time and ignore the cries of a bleeding child? These are serious questions.

I’m familiar with the standard answer to such a topic. We are told that God doesn’t ‘allow’ these horrible things, sin is the culprit, man is to blame. Well now isn’t that obvious? Nobody thought these horrid things were being perpetrated by people who were walking hand in hand with the divine. That doesn’t change the question... if God intervenes then why not for all the innocent? Why protect a middle class lady in a mall parking lot and not the child in the next neighborhood? Why get a better job for someone in a metropolitan city and let a family starve somewhere else in the world?

I don’t claim to have the answers. I’m still wrapping my head around the questions. I’ve given thought to the possibility that God doesn’t choose to intervene at all, for anybody. In circumstances where we perceive intervention it could be that the God element which exists in each individual reaches into the power of the universe and connects. If you’ve ever watched a documentary on lightning you will have seen the positive charged particles reaching towards the heavens beckoning the negative counterpart. Lightning is a channel created by this attraction. The force of the divine that we term God is within and without. Maybe there is no intervention, only connection. Is that faith?

The Promise of Seeds

2007-01-28T19:54:00.000-05:00

Last summer I sat on my deck one sunny afternoon and sketched the marigolds and zinnias dancing on tall, lanky stems. Blossoms sat in a small vase beside my glass of wine and I felt totally privileged to be a participant in this beautiful moment. When I finished the little sketch I wrote across the top “from seeds”.

It’s such a miracle to nurture life from the tiny seeds of packages bought during the dormant state of winter. They are so fragile when they rise from the soil on hair like stems and unfold those two prayerful little leaves. It is hope in motion.

The journey of the seeds has taught me so much about life. Their progress is slow and they so easily fail when they’re new. It seems they will never grow past the 2 inch wonders that sit in flats turning toward the sun. Even though I’ve done it many times before I check them everyday and impatiently wait for some sign they’re growing. Days pass, weeks pass, I wait. It takes as long for them to go from 1 inch to 4 inches as it does for them to go from 4 inches to 24. Growth can’t always be measured on the surface.

One of the great pleasures of my life is the promise of seeds. There is nothing like walking outside to cut flowers for the vases, basil and tomatoes for dinner, and catnip for the cat.

We’ve bought lots of seeds and in a few weeks my home office will become a temporary greenhouse. By summer I will enjoy the abundance of fresh food and beautiful flowers. I will stop to cut these miracles and hear the earth giggle.

Bluebird

2007-01-20T10:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was feeling anxious as we left work early to take me to the lung specialist. I would be getting the results of the CT. In 2003 I contracted pneumonia after surgery. They did a CT as a part of that diagnosis. The CT revealed a nodule in the right lower lobe of my lung. It was not in a place that could be accessed to biopsy and the recommendation was for continued CT monitoring. At first the CT scans took place after 3 months and then 6 months. A year ago they gave me a full year before the final check. If the nodule had not grown on this CT it would be diagnosed as benign.

As we drove down the country road it seemed we would never get there. I wanted to get this over with. It was then that a bluebird flew by. The wings were spread to their full expanse and for a moment time stood still, the picture perfectly recorded in my memory. The bluebird meant God was with me... that no matter what, I would be fine.

Why a bluebird? Back in 1992 I was struggling with a lot of burdens as a single mom. I had driven the girls to school and cried all the way back to the house. The only thing that caught my attention was an odd blue wreath on a church door. For a moment I paused and wondered about it. When I got to my house I lay on my bed and cried. I don’t remember the details of the situation now but I remember the feeling of being lost, alone, and hopeless. As I lay with my head on my pillow in the bedroom at the end of the hall I suddenly noticed a blue shaft of light cutting across the kitchen. It filled the room. Blue? “What is it with blue today?” I went to the kitchen to investigate the source of blue light. It turned out that the sun was shining through an old sun catcher just right, through the blue pane, bathing the room in blue light. I didn’t even know what the sun catcher was since it had hung there undisturbed for 10 years. I turned it around and it said “With God All Things Are Possible”.

In the years since then I have been comforted by bluebirds. I started noticing them crossing my path at just the right time; interpreted by me as a gentle reminder that I matter to God and no matter what, things will be fine. I hadn’t seen one for a long time until yesterday, at just the right time to surprise and comfort me as we drove for the news.

The CT results were good, no growth. Later the dermatologist called and the suspicious growth she removed is also benign. All good news but the best thing that happened to me yesterday was a surprise visit by a bluebird.

Tribal Mentality

2007-01-07T14:01:00.000-05:00

I was watching John Shelby Spong’s ‘Burke Lecture’ last week. If you haven’t heard Spong speak you can locate the Burke Lecture on Google video. Under Google video... search for John Shelby Spong. When the selections come up choose “Burke Lecture”. I’m aware that many consider Spong a radical of sorts but I think it’s foolish to dismiss this very intelligent, educated, insightful, and practical man. Spong brings questions to the table that Christians must address.

The particular part of the lecture in my mind today is the concept of “tribal mentality”. Tribal mentality is the source of pain, conflict, hate, and prejudice throughout the world, throughout history. Me and mine are favored by God. God hates what I hate (or fear). God is just like me.

When will our species grow up? When will we stop having the social mentality of a selfish child? When will our ‘world view’ extend beyond our own personal interest? When will we start searching for God instead of keeping this plastic deity modeled in our image as the center of our faith? When will we stop using the text written by men struggling with their views of God to justify our own hatred, oppression, and lack of love?

It’s ok to value, love, and even prefer your culture, your beliefs, your country, your family, your lifestyle, etc. Is it ok to believe that anyone different is not favored by God? It doesn’t seem we’ve evolved much from the people who believed the sun revolved around the earth if we believe the kingdom of God revolves around us. People from different cultures, religious views, and geographical location all claim to have God’s personal favor. In the name of God each pursues their personal agenda. In the name of God each fights their wars. In the name of God they hate, hurt, judge, and stand in their self proclaimed righteousness.

What is so frightening about the possibility that God is bigger than the box we’ve put him/her in? Why do we need to believe that we are the favored child, country, culture? What is the personal reward for ‘tribal mentality’? What does it cost the world our grandchildren will inherit?

Blessed With A Meadow

2007-01-01T20:52:00.000-05:00

It is January 1st, the first day of a brand new year. I feel some obligation to approach this blank canvas with the inspiration befitting the fresh start it is celebrated to be. I should embark on some serious analysis of my life and set my resolve for higher ground. I should... I suppose, but these achy bones prefer a hot cup of tea, a fleece blanket, and a good book. The night is quiet and stillness speaks.

A few years ago I sat beside the ocean waiting for inspiration, ideas... a single thought of significance. As I sat there with pen in hand I listened to the sounds and the spaces between the sounds. I asked myself what it meant, this total lack of ideas or thoughts. I wondered if the value of the moment was in the call of the birds, the rhythm of the surf, or the steady breeze in my hair. These are the words I wrote...

“When there are paths to follow you will see them. When there are meadows to rest in, you will find yourself there. Dislocation is the result of wishing for meadows when you have a path to walk and desiring a path when you are blessed with a meadow.”

Tonight I am blessed with a meadow. Tomorrow I’ll attend to the paths.

Milestones

2006-12-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

It’s been a milestone week for my family. Tuesday we celebrated my Grandmother’s 90^th birthday with a reception. Friends, neighbors, nieces, nephews, sons, daughter-in-laws, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren all gathered to wish the fabulous Dora a happy birthday. There was music, good food, and laughter. It was fun to see people we hadn’t seen in years and to watch Grandma visiting with everyone. The picture is of Grandma dancing with her ‘baby’ boy, my Dad.

Grandma is an amazing lady. Her sassy wit keeps me laughing whenever I’m around her. There is something about her that is forever young, unchanging through the years. It could be her spunk, she’s certainly feisty. It could be her sense of humor (she’s quick on her feet), tossing those sarcastic one liners out like she always has. It could be her compassion, Grandma is always thinking about other people. I just know that I am truly blessed to be her granddaughter.

And another milestone... today my parents celebrated their 50^th wedding anniversary. We all went out for a hamburger and decorated the old hamburger joint with balloons and table decorations. Everyone in the family knows about the first time Daddy took Mom out to eat. She only ate a little bit of the hamburger because she didn’t want him to think she was a pig. The tent cards on the tables tonight reminded her to eat the ‘whole hamburger’. It was light hearted fun, a simple time with our family that was reminiscent of many we’ve shared through the years.

This picture was taken when Mom and Dad were dating. She had just turned 15 when they married. Since I was born 2 days before she turned 16 I’ve been around through most of their marriage. I remember very well the 1960’s, my blonde mother wearing her short shorts and my crazy Daddy acting like she hung the moon. Only they know what kept them together through 50 years of ups and downs but the couple laughing at the table tonight still love each other and share a special bond.

Holiday Expectations

2006-12-20T19:41:00.000-05:00

As we approach the Holiday weekend I've been thinking about how expectations vary from person to person. Each of us have an 'ideal' holiday in our mind, this is especially true about Christmas. Since expectations vary there is little hope for pleasing everyone. Young families are trying to please his family, her family, and maybe even their mother's and father's families. "We always…" is heard a lot. Tradition goes from being something comforting to being a burden or conflict. People are trying to please bosses, friends, and relatives by attending this, making that, or buying the right thing (whatever that is). Meeting everyone’s expectations is quite a task to undertake.

Throughout our society 'my way' is the chant of the day as well. I’ve been reading about the "culture wars" concerning the holidays. Rabbis are demanding equal representation in public decoration and Christian's seem to have nothing better to do than protest businesses that try to show respect for ALL of their customers by saying "Happy Holidays". I can't help but wonder if the human race will ever evolve into a tolerant, loving species that is capable of respecting people who are different.

On a positive note… my granddaughter was delighted to share the things she had learned in kindergarten music class with us recently. She had learned various little details about the holidays celebrated by people of different cultures during this time of year. She learned about Kwanzaa and Hanukkah in addition to Christmas. We are very pleased that she has friends in her class that celebrate each of these. We want her to appreciate the contribution each person makes to the tapestry, to see differences as a part of life and not a threat.

With all the tension that flows through this season of expectations I wonder if there might be 5 minutes for a heartfelt wish... “Peace on earth goodwill toward men”.

Idling

2006-12-17T16:38:00.000-05:00

Early last week I found myself stressing a little. With Christmas, my Grandmother’s 90^th birthday reception, and my parent’s 50^th wedding anniversary all in the same week I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I knew it would all come together eventually but I always harbor the same delusion that if I could just plan better things would work out seamlessly.

Wednesday afternoon I had a terrible headache and felt so weak that I simply went outside and sat in the sun. I realize now those were the first hours of what has turned into the worst viral infection I can remember. Instead of checking things off my ‘to do’ list this weekend I’ve been sipping green tea, trying to breathe, and marveling at the sheer power of some microscopic little critters that have set up residence in every cell of my body during the last 5 days.

It’s almost comical to see all the lists and agendas lying idle on my desk. Sometimes life reminds us that we can’t always orchestrate things. Fortunately we ordered the few gifts we purchase for Christmas on the internet weeks ago. We’ve only bought gifts for the kids and granddaughter for years. We stepped out of the retail rat race because it just didn’t make sense. I listen to people fretting because they have no clue what to get people and we all know many of these gifts will end up returned or in yard sales come spring. I learned from my daughter there are plenty of places to send that money where it will matter.

One of my favorite times at Christmas is Christmas Eve. This has always been set aside for Jim and me, it’s our time. It’s a time to reflect on the year, share a nice dinner, curl up in front of a fire, and toast our blessings with champagne and chocolate. This year we’re making a torte called “Chocolate Delirium”. Last year we had moved into our house the day before and the only decorations were boxes waiting to be unpacked and a little bush I had decorated with a single string of tiny lights and the few ornaments the kids had made. We stopped everything, lit candles, chilled the champagne, and danced on our new deck under the stars. That’s one thing Jim and I know... magic is a choice.

Eventually I’ll be well and things will get done. I have this odd theory about things that slow you down (illness, traffic jams, whatever). When you can’t make progress look around, listen, absorb the stillness. I often find those are the times when I see things I hadn’t seen moving faster and think of things I had been too busy to imagine.

Reality

2006-12-12T21:45:00.000-05:00

I’ve met a lot of interesting people in the last year. By simply observing you become acutely aware that reality is drastically different from person to person. I’m not referring to tangible facts, possessions, or circumstances. I’m referring to the way people see the world, other people, and themselves. This reality is what exists to them, through their filters, by their rules. In that respect we all have our personal reality.

I have met people with enviable humility, tender souls that love, nurture, and serve. They see not only the needs of others but also their worth and innocence. I have met narcissistic people with a startling sense of self-importance and need for admiration. Each existed in a reality shaped by their personal perceptions.

I listened to the Dalai Lama speak about narrow and wide views recently. He was talking about narrowly focusing on yourself and the barrier that can be to happiness and well being.

I wrote my definition of ignorance recently... ignorance is the state of having more answers than questions. I would say that enlightenment is the state of broadening our capacity for seeing other people, ourselves, and God... beyond what we thought we understood, past what we believed, outside our perception of reality.

The Teenagers

2006-12-08T07:40:00.000-05:00

I’m looking forward to today. A project that has been dear to my heart and many others that I work with will be delivered this afternoon. It came to our attention a few weeks ago that 30% of the kids in foster homes in the county where I work are between the ages of 14 and 18. The county has a room where foster parents can ‘shop’ for Christmas gifts for the kids in their care but there is a huge shortage of donated gifts that would be suitable for teenagers. The social worker I talked to said there was a scramble each year to try and scrape together something for these teens.

These young people face a future that most of us can’t imagine. Unless they have a miracle in their life and somebody adopts them they will be on their own at the age of 18. If there are so many in just this one county, imagine how many impressionable teenagers throughout our nation live in this same situation... no permanent home, family, support system.

We have been shopping and bringing the “gifts for teens” to the office. Today boxes and boxes of merchandise suitable for teenagers will be delivered to the Youth and Family Services facility so foster parents can select gifts for these precious children of God.

I pray that with each item there goes a miracle... that into each of their lives there will come a mentor, someone to care. I pray that they will realize, somewhere in their spirit, that they matter.

The Porch

2006-12-03T19:29:00.000-05:00

This picture was taken in Georgetown in October. The old house was built in the 1700’s and is now a museum. I sat in the old rocker pictured here on the porch. I dwelled there for some time with a clear mind and attention to my senses. It smelled of old wood, soil, and water. The sounds were simple, leaves rustling at the touch of a breeze, distant activity from the town near by. It was a gift to be there, intermingled with the human existence that had paused there over hundreds of years. I imagined the children that had played under the stately old trees, the realities of those who sat there to do some thinking. No doubt there were worries to hash over in the solitude of the old porch, tears to shed, prayers to utter, and dreams to dream. In this simple space time stood still, decades blended like oils on canvas.

In the hustle and bustle that we call life these days I could certainly use more time on the porch. In silence wisdom speaks. In solitude you find connection.

Gratitude

2006-11-23T09:59:00.000-05:00

I find Thanksgiving to be such an enriching holiday. It is more than a celebration of fabulous food, family togetherness, and saying thank you. It is a day to remind us of a powerful truth... what we focus on, dwell on, we make dominate in our lives.

Gratitude is more than thankfulness; it is a way of seeing the world. Gratitude allows us to always live in abundance. The abundance is there. The lack is there. We experience whatever we put center stage in our thoughts.

Today I pray that I will live the next year with abundance at center stage in my life. I pray that I will give more honor and recognition to the blessings in my world than I do the obstacles.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Afternoon Ramblings

2006-11-22T14:59:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I find myself longing for times gone by, moments and places that exist only in my memory. The times we long for are simpler times, happier times, days of hope and laughter.

Life can be sneaky. You turn your back on it and all the furnishings are rearranged. You actually wonder if you'll wake up soon and find things familiar once again.

I think these are the times when we forget too much, take too much for granted, and neglect the things that matter. Life doesn't run well on auto-pilot. Suddenly it occurs to you that you don't know where you are or how you got there. You have a strange desire to click your heels together and say "there's no place like home".

You can't expect dreams to come true if you stop dreaming. You can't dance if you stop noticing the music.

Chatterbox

2006-11-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

The other night I found myself grieving for an old doll that left my possession in the early 80’s. Her name was Chatterbox by Madame Alexander. She was made only one year, 1961. She was in perfect condition when I sold her. The only sign that a child ever owned her was the ABC’s written on the box by a tiny hand learning to write.

I carried Chatterbox from closet to closet during all the moves of my childhood. She was with me for over 20 years. I sold her for $125 to pay the electric bill when my children were small. I cried but we were warm for another month. I told myself it was just a doll and it didn’t matter but it did.

Chatterbox was bought for me by my maternal grandmother, Carrie. A doll like that took months for someone living on next to nothing to buy. The sacrifice that she must have made to get that doll for me is astounding. She worked cleaning houses, tending to the elderly, and finally a factory job in a frozen food plant. She couldn’t read but my how she loved her grandbabies. She learned to sign her name, to make her mark. I hope in the dimension of peace that she lives in now she knows that she made a mark on me too.

Chatterbox is about sacrifices, hers for me and mine by letting her go. Thanks to the internet I was able to find a picture of a Chatterbox doll just like her. Tonight I pay tribute to Chatterbox and to Carrie who whipped meringue with a fork, cracked pecans all morning so they would be sitting in a bowl when I got to her house, and thought I hung the moon.

Limitations

2006-11-11T08:39:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking about the gifts that must be lying in waiting within the hearts and minds of thousands of people because they are in the mode of ‘limitations’. ‘Limitations’ are perceptions. Limitations are rarely physical facts, they are perceptions that we project onto our lives.

In recent weeks I’ve been examining the power of limited thinking in my life. Limited thinking keeps you from going to the starting line. Limited thinking keeps you from typing the first sentence, painting the first brush stroke, or sending the resume. Limited thinking says “that’s too good to be true”. Limited thinking is the by product of a poor vision of oneself. Me? Why would the universe choose me for anything of value? When your perception of your value doesn’t resonate with the gifts you are given you are ruled by limited thinking.

Can you imagine what life would be like if a few dozen of the great dreamers in our history had kept their gifts undeveloped for decades? “But I don’t think my gifts are what everybody needs.” Nope, they sure aren’t. But they are what somebody needs. You are responsible for developing your gifts. You are not responsible for who the recipients are.

Ladies Night

2006-11-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

It’s been ladies night on a dead end street in the south. Solitude is a healing place. I’ve listened to some fabulous ladies as I sipped good red wine and simmered a nice marinara for tomorrow.

I began with the Dixie Chicks new album ‘Taking the Long Way’. It is such a fabulous, raw, passionate work. As a child of the 60’s I find my soul stirred to tears by the yearning, the hope, the faith in a higher consciousness for human kind. I salute these patriots, dreamers, courageous women.

I followed with the CD ‘Songbird’ by Eva Cassidy. It’s a bluesy sound that brings you back to center. A coworker introduced me to Eva Cassidy (thanks Randy). Eva died of Melanoma in 1996 at the age of 33. She had long passed into the dimension of love and peace before I heard her sing. The depth from which that angelic voice came leads me to believe she was never far removed from the source that created her. She was an artist as well as a singer/guitar player. The image that her mother later titled “Essence of Eva” leaves me silent and intensely aware of the majestic world we barely touch with our consciousness. There is longing in that image, a belonging to something more, someplace higher.

Creativity is the byproduct of longing. Creativity is found dancing in the crevices between our obligations. Thanks ladies.

Functioning Well

2006-11-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

As I wrote my early morning pages over a cup of coffee recently I found myself exploring the lack of joy in my life. This writing time is just train of thought on paper, unorganized and unplanned. The only thing I plan is to carry that cup of coffee to my prayer table and pick up a pen each morning. The content unfolds on its own. I often find myself writing about things I hadn’t been thinking about previously. It’s like peeling away the layers and finding all sorts of interesting things going on inside you.

As I examined this one foot in front of the other existence that I’ve given myself in recent months, maybe years, I wrote the words “I’m functioning well.” The thought was immediately followed by the very accurate observation “There is a big difference in ‘functioning well’ and ‘living well’. Either way the stuff gets done but when you’re functioning well the soul can starve.”

I challenged myself to describe the characteristics of a life ‘functioning well’ and I wrote “They go to work, take care of their home, complete tasks, and accomplish what needs to be done.” In other words they have a handle on things. Then I asked myself to describe the characteristics of a life ‘living well’ and I wrote “They laugh, they look forward to things, they dream, they have fun, they have periods of entertainment and enjoyment intermingled with their tasks and obligations, and they are in awe of something.”

As children we went from looking forward to one thing to looking forward to something else. Isn’t that a pattern to be envied? Isn’t the simple magic of being excited about something worth pursuing? (I don’t think looking forward to Friday counts.)

Vacation Reflections

2006-10-23T18:55:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been to a wedding and noticed the let down people sometimes feel when it's over? Months, maybe a year or more of meticulous planning, decisions, and anticipation have led up to the day and all too soon it's over, slipping into the realm of memory. That's sort of how I've been feeling since returning from vacation. The trip was my oasis during months of long days and weary paths, putting one foot in front of the other. It awaited me like a light at the end of the tunnel. Now the light is in my rear view mirror and the tunnel goes on.

I gave some thought to life while on vacation. I realize I need to seriously evaluate the pattern I've developed of living for the oasis. I'm missing too much! As I looked at the clouds I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had seen clouds. I see lots of computers, car bumpers, stop lights, and fabric softener sheets but I hadn't looked at a cloud in a very long time. As I sat daydreaming on an old porch in historic Georgetown I realized I hadn't spent much time daydreaming lately either. I had thought of deadlines, frown lines, and checkout lines but I hadn't daydreamed or imagined. It's a wonder my soul hadn't starved to death.

I enjoyed many wonderful things this past week. I climbed through a submarine in the kiddie pool and sat under a mushroom raining liquid joy down on us while I watched my husband laugh. I ate a raspberry chocolate ganache thing from an Italian bakery that was divine. I walked under oaks by the water and listened to the sound of centuries. I danced in the moonlight on the beach and wrote our initials in the sand like we did before we were married. I spent hours seeing the world through a viewfinder and as each scene was framed before me I could imagine the dialogue of people who had passed that way before in their life story. Jim called the photographs "a slice of life" and they really were. For the first time in a long time life was right there, breathing free, touchable.

I'm still digesting the sharp contrast between the Beverly that wades through the lists each day and the Beverly that waded through the surf. I'm certain I have some adjustments to make when everyday life has become so void of these simple pleasures.

(Thanks to my husband Jim for taking a simple photo and making it art - Front St. above)

Holiday Season ???

2006-10-10T18:04:00.000-04:00

I was surprised to find fall and Halloween merchandise on sale for 50% off last week. It was the first week of October for goodness sakes. Christmas decorations are everywhere. I first encountered Christmas decorations in abundance well over a month ago. As soon as I saw the isles overflowing with silver and gold, holly and fake evergreen I turned and went the other way.

I used to enjoy the holidays. The WEEKS of celebration were joyful and special. Now the season has been stretched over almost half the year and those sights and sounds are no longer special. Long before the pumpkins have rotted I'm sick of Christmas. That's pitiful!

I remember it being cold when you went to buy a tree at the lot on the side of the road. Two years ago I went out to buy a real tree the week before Christmas and couldn't find one. I remember how we used to go out the day after Christmas to get some things on sale for next year. You don't have to worry about that now, long before Rudolph gets his act together they'll have Christmas on the clearance rack. Before Frosty gets soggy there will be swimsuits and beach balls showing up to get you ready for summer.

Have we lost the ability to savor things? Have we become so addicted to bigger, brighter, and quicker that simple pleasures no longer interest us? I don't think so. I think retailers would like us to believe that happy, normal people just love it. In reality people don't seem that happy with the push to celebrate life in warp drive. I suspect many are feeling burnt out and overwhelmed with it all. I hear the disillusioned comments all the time.

Do these trees with all the matching ribbons, designer ornaments, and collectables really measure up to the fabulous strings of popcorn, cranberries, and construction paper that embellished the old cedars from my childhood? Does the current 150 days of Christmas bring as much joy as we had in those few magical weeks in Decembers past? And if the answer is no, how do we slow it back down and make it precious once again?

Our Pretty Girl

2006-10-09T21:34:00.000-04:00

Long days are taking their toll on us and finding time to write for my blog is difficult. This sweet little girl is our Heidi. She's 15 years old and still thinks she's a kitten. I think we could learn a little about enjoying life from my little girl here.

"When I..." Thinking

2006-10-06T09:02:00.000-04:00

About two years ago I planned a day long "retreat" for my daughters. We started the day sitting on large cushions around a low table draped in cloth and decorated with candles and stones. The fire crackled in the fireplace beside us as we shared muffins and thoughts. I had created our syllabus in chartreuse notebooks which we carried with us from our fireside morning to the coffee shop where we continued the ideas over lunch.

One of the things we discussed that day was a concept I call 'When I' thinking. You know how it goes, "When I get a different job...", "When I lose weight...", "When I have more time...", "When the kids go to school", "When the kids go to college", on and on. Someday, one day, when things are just right... I WILL.

The truth is, limitations are only relevant to people who want to start at the top. If you’re willing to begin where you are, you have no problem. I've come to understand there isn't a magical leap between where you are and the place you think you need to be in order to 'start' whatever it is you're passionate about. The only place you can start is where you are. If you believe you have to be in a specific set of circumstances to begin, you are destined to grow old with a heart full of unlived dreams. Things will never be just right.

I'm also convinced the process of 'doing' produces the environment to bring more opportunity. How can you find your way down a path you're not walking? We are responsible for only two steps... the first one, and the next one. Everything else is in the hands of divine destiny. As you put that one foot in front of the other you will have a sense of something... it's the giddy laughter of angels, you're on your way.

The Question

2006-10-03T23:32:00.000-04:00

I'm tired, not the good kind of tired produced by long hours of healthy physical labor, it is the kind of tired produced by too much stress and too little time. Life becomes insane and you forget how to focus. Even sleep is unproductive when you're on the hamster wheel, you wake up feeling about the same. Soon I'll find some peaceful time to sit here and write some of the ideas I've been thinking about while writing my morning pages. For now I suppose I'll just post a poem I wrote during another overwhelming time a few years back.

The Question

I’m not sure what time it was,
Half past yesterday,
A quarter before tomorrow,
It’s all a blur.

In the midst of the fog,
There came a question,
Of Devine importance,
And timeless significance.

I wish I could have heard it,
Above the clatter of living,
But I couldn’t make it out,
And it may not be repeated.

Aimlessly I search for the answer,
Embracing silence too late,
To find the path of purpose,
If only I had heard… the question.

My Dad

2006-10-01T20:30:00.000-04:00

Today my Dad turned 70 years old. The little family gathering that marked the occasion seemed so inadequate a gesture to commemorate the sacrificial love he's had for all of us throughout the years.

Family is very important to my Dad. He would probably be a wealthy man today if he had helped less and not shared so freely from all that he had over the years. He certainly wouldn't be working on a construction site each day for far too little benefit.

Today he talked about how blessed he has been. I think he actually considers it a blessing to be able to help those he loves, even when the gesture is not in his best interest. Blessings have never had material value for Jolly Jack.

Dad has always been a talker. I remember how easily he shared his thoughts, his memories, and his heart with me as a child. He talked about all his childhood memories, about his work, his worries, and his dreams. I still hold onto the stories he shared, tiny gems of emotion from his life. He told me of the toy gun a friend's Dad bought him for Christmas but he had to refuse because his Dad would be hurt since he couldn't afford to buy it for him. He told me stories of fish, dogs, girls, his mother, his Dad, his brothers, his school days, and more. I listened with total wonder. He was my hero and all the details about him fascinated me. I realize more and more how lucky I was to have him share so much of himself with me all those years. It's funny, I can't remember presents I got at Christmas but I remember the stories my Daddy told. I can't remember the decorations in my childhood bedrooms but I remember every word of the old songs my Daddy sang to me. I guess Jolly Jack is right, real blessings have no material value.

I appreciate my Dad and feel that he is one of the most precious blessings God gave me. He's always been there for me. Through all the years when the girls and I struggled he gave me his time, his support, and his love. I can't ever repay my Dad. Today I just want to celebrate the wonderful man that he is and somehow say "thank you".

I Love You Daddy!

The Present Moment

2006-09-29T23:57:00.000-04:00

Peace can be found nowhere but the present moment. In the past lies the grief of our 'why didn't I' and 'I wish I had' thoughts. In the future lays the worries of 'what if' and 'I wonder'. Peace dwells only in the present moment.

When I found myself overwhelmed as a single mother I used to go outside and lay in the yard, face down, staring into the grass. I would focus on the wonderful universe that dwelled there between the blades of grass. I would watch the tiny insects that happened by from time to time, take note of the contour of the earth, and immerse myself in the world between the grass blades. There I found peace. It was there that the worries of hot water heaters I couldn't afford to replace and bills I couldn't pay didn't exist. It was a world brought to be by sun and rain, without my assistance, without my fears. Little did I know, but I was naturally drawn to a place that delivered me to the present moment.

Tonight I have many worries, for people, for situations, and for obligations. Tonight I choose to 'be' in the present moment instead. Tonight there is the wonderful sound of a fan turning. It reminds me of my childhood days when fans in windows brought morning chills. Tonight there will be the feel of cotton against my skin, safe and warm, nourished and loved. Tonight there will be the presence of angels and dreams. Tonight there will be the peace of the present moment.

Time

2006-09-25T07:56:00.000-04:00

I've always had a suspicion that 'time' was some type of tricky concept that could speed up or slow down without rhyme or reason. We can all think of people that we know work 50+ hours per week and yet they talk as if they are full time leisure buffs. They know about the latest episode of this TV show or that, they've seen the latest movies, have stories to tell about their community involvement projects recently, and have attended more social events in the last 3 weeks than I've managed in the last 6 months. I'm trying to figure out how they do that. While I'm trying to get something washed for work tomorrow in the 3 or 4 evening hours I have before crashing they must be watching TV in the car on the way to dinner with friends and catching the late movie instead of sleeping. Who does their laundry?

Time is of real interest to me lately. I'm trying to make better use of mine. I'm working on a book that is a course in personal development during my coffee time in the morning instead of reading the internet. I still can't lasso the evening hours and create much out of them though. I walk in the door, start a few household chores, turn around and look at the clock and it's time to go to bed. Seriously, 2 hours are gone in the time it takes to start the washer and clean the bathroom. It's really kind of spooky. I'm waiting on somebody to jump out and say "smile you're on candid camera" but they never do. Am I in slow motion or is time running at fast forward? Am I just too preoccupied to notice each 'present moment' as it goes by?

Well, speaking of time... it's time to make that hour commute.

Tune Out the Static

2006-09-22T17:06:00.000-04:00

There has been a lot going on this week and I've found little time for thinking or writing. Sometimes you just wonder how things got so complicated. When you're tired you want to touch base with things that are simpler, things that make you feel at home. Maintaining a base, something that is your home plate is important. I call it 'tuning out the static'.

I grew up in the age of AM radio. Static makes sense to folks from my generation. The little AM radios we hung on our bicycles were known for their static. I remember turning that little wheel on the side just right and feeling a real sense of accomplishment when the song came through loud and clear with no hiss in the background.

I'm tired today, not just physically tired, my spirit is tired. This type of exhaustion comes from neglect, neglecting to laugh, to dream, or just to live in wonder of the present moment. When I give too much attention and energy to the things I 'should' do, to the things that aren't going well, and to the vacancies I perceive... my life becomes full of static.

Sometimes you have to get off your bike and tune out the static before you carry on. It makes for a more pleasant trip.

Lunchtime Ramblings

2006-09-20T14:25:00.000-04:00

During my morning writing time the last day or so I've been thinking about how other people view me and the relationship that I have with them. Since we all 'perceive' others and situations through our filters the same situation can look very different from one person to the other. Intentions don't always translate well.

While visiting a relative I was a little surprised by the words "I didn't think we got along." There was no time to explore that perception but it made me stop and think.

I'm a straight forward individual. I say what I think but I don't have a particular need to convince anyone to agree with my way of thinking. On the other hand, I don't have a lot of patience with those who are determined to convince me they have everything figured out, that they have all the answers in a neat box tied with ribbon. My patience is also challenged by intolerance, stereotyping, and bigotry. I feel obligated to make it clear that I don't agree with those views. It's not a rejection of the individual but a stand for my personal convictions concerning truth and honor.

Some people call me opinionated or blunt. Some people call me genuine and refreshingly honest. I would say any of those are valid perceptions.

I don't expect to be voted 'Ms. Congeniality' anytime soon. I do hope that those I have touched with my life will be able to say that I was real. I hope they are able to temper the brassy nature I sometimes have with the fact that I would walk the last mile with them. Sometimes I have a big mouth but I hope some folks can see the big heart that is also a part of the package.

I wish...

2006-09-17T21:26:00.000-04:00

It's been a long week with a lot of stress. I haven't had time to sit and think for several days. My contribution to the blog tonight is a poem I wrote several years ago.

I would like to dedicate these words to the people I love...

I wish I held within my grasp,
a tender… magic spell;
To bring to you a satin wind
to make you safe and well.

I wish I held within my grasp,
a star to gently shine;
And put a sparkle in your eyes
that would last for all time.

I wish I held within my grasp,
a sunbeam bright and warm;
To keep you forever sheltered,
from all things to bring you harm.

I wish I held within my grasp,
the oceans eternal song;
To comfort you on lonely nights,
when the darkness lasts so long.

I wish I held within my grasp,
to relinquish all to thee;
If for a pearlescent moment,
you were as happy as you deserve to be.

Focus

2006-09-13T09:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I wrote about living in a fog. As I wrote through my 'morning pages' today it occurred to me that the fog is really a focus issue. Do you remember those old microscopes we used in school (a long time ago)? You could look through the eye piece and see nothing but a blur until you turned the little knob on the side to focus it. Remember... turn, still blurry, turn the other way, still blurry, then suddenly you turn it just right and there it was, a crisp, clear view. Got it!

There are two things involved in what you see with an old microscope like that, your focus and what slide you choose to put in. The same thing with a camera... you choose what you see by what you point it at and your effort to focus.

In life we have choices. We choose what to focus on. We can focus on the negative or we can focus on the positive. I can't think of many situations that don't have an ample amount of both. We can focus on the possibilities or the obstacles. We can focus on the joy or the pain. It's all here, everyday, day in and day out. It comes back to basics every time, the first thing you change is your mind.

Easier said than done? Oh yeah!!! I don't know how many times I have to remind myself that my perception is the key to my experience of any given situation. My perception is the result of my focus.

Living in a Fog

2006-09-12T17:49:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it seems life is just 'cloudy'. The lists all run together and the days become a blur. You look at the calendar and wonder how you got to this point in time without noticing. 'Living in a fog' would be a good description I suppose.

This afternoon, feeling especially overwhelmed, I got up from my desk and walked out the door. I walked around the large campus and took note of the trees, the meandering sidewalks, and the many different plants throughout the landscape. I stopped occasionally to watch a bird perched nearby and spoke to a few ants crossing some brick pavers. They were too busy for conversation but I wished them a pleasant afternoon. I could have kept on walking, walking until the city turned to countryside, until dusk overtook the day. Sometimes something deep inside you just knows that things aren't right, that you've lost your bearings and you're drifting off course.

Today wasn't the first time I've felt this way. I have an acorn here on my desk that I picked up on just such an afternoon many years ago. I picked it up as a gift of peace from a stately old oak that listened to my heart break, heard my sadness, and assured me that there is meaning to this mess, even when you're living in a fog.

Beyond the Clutter

2006-09-08T07:10:00.000-04:00

As I sit in the stillness of this room thinking about my life I am struck with the realization that 99% of my time is focused on the “clutter” of living. Would anyone doubt my productivity? Probably not. Beverly does what needs to be done. She makes the bed, juggles her jobs, makes the calls, does the laundry, and checks off her “to do” list. There are always accomplishments but they are about making a living, not making a life.

A life… what is typically remembered about a life? When the days of my existence on this earth draw to an end what will I remember? What things will I cherish and want to be remembered by? I’m certain that I’ll give no thought to the day to day headaches of my previous jobs… I doubt I’ll remember the color of the comforters I pulled into place hundreds of times over the years. I will remember the way the girls ran inside on a summer afternoon and babbled on and on about the club they had built or how much progress they were making digging for Indian treasures. I’ll see them giggling at the table when we were making pudding at midnight and hear Amanda say “I love my life”. I’ll hear Sonia’s voice singing and the sound of Amanda’s flute floating on a cool fall breeze. I’ll feel Jim near me as I hear Kansas and see the wonderful way his eyes smile when we’re talking. I'll hear Madison singing "city of the angels" with her little hand clasped tightly around a microphone. I will remember blue birds in flight, the soft roar of the surf, and the feel of fresh sheets on my skin.

As I move toward tomorrow I really only have one desire. I want to enjoy the people that I love, laugh often, explore my world and my inner spirit, and feel that something I did mattered. I don’t have a specific location in mind or even a project that I simply must complete, it is a general desire... it is about the kind of life I want and the person I want to be. Where I go doesn’t matter, what I learn, taste, and explore doesn’t matter… as long as I am not stagnant, as long as I am alive and growing.

If when my life is over I am remembered for my heart then I will have lived a genuine life. If I can look back on my life and see a woman that always explored the wonderful things that were there to see, taste, and learn then I will smile. If I can share in the lives that each of my loved ones have to explore then I will smile. What more could there be than to love freely and live outside the box?

The biggest obstacle to a life of joy, purpose, and growth is putting too much emphasis on 'the clutter'. Focus is everything. It's like standing in the park and taking a picture of the trash can instead of the flower bed.

My Mom

2006-09-07T14:19:00.000-04:00

Today is my Mom's birthday. I spent some time thinking about her in recent days, wondering about all the things I don't know about her. What is she passionate about, what are her thoughts and ideas? I realized I don't have a clue. I know her in that I know the things she does and how she lives her life but I don't 'know' her. What would my mother write about if she had a blog?

I have to realize that the reality my mother lived in was not the same as mine. Following a not so ideal childhood she married at the age of 15, they've been married 50 years. 2 days prior to her 16th birthday she was my mother. At 37 she was babysitting my daughter while I worked. She turns 65 years old today and she is a great-grandmother.

Most of the time I spend with my mother is in the company of other family members. Lives are busy and we do good to find time for a family dinner here and there. It doesn't provide the one on one interaction necessary for real relationship.

These thoughts make me realize that I need to make a conscious effort to spend some time one on one with the people in my life. I need to spend time nurturing the relationships one at a time on occasion and resist the habit to do things in groups all the time.

My mother's CB handle back in the early 70's was 'Helping Hand'. It's still a fitting description of her. She spends her weeks taking elderly relatives places they need to go and working as a volunteer at the nursing home. She is loved by a lot of people.

Many years ago Mom and I used to be together all the time. I was a teenager and we went everywhere together. She taught me to balance a checkbook and drive a car. We shared Honeydew ice cream and good conversation. It didn't occur to me at the time to say... "tell me about yourself".

I hope this day is special for my Mom. I hope some tiny miracle comes to her from out of the blue, some little moment that makes her pause and smile. I love her.

The Manila Barbie

2006-09-06T10:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday and it was a nice day. People who know me are reaching for the ground to see if it's cold at this point. I've always hated my birthday. I hated my birthday as a child. I liked getting new toys but interpreted the attention being paid to me as embarrassing, like being made fun of. I've given a lot of thought to those emotions over the last several years and I realize that celebrating 'me' didn't resonate with my view of reality. It didn't make sense to me. How could I be bad, not up to par, and in need of improvement 364 days a year and then be worth celebrating on one day? I came to the conclusion that the well wishes and adoration on my birthday were obligatory and that made them sting. Being born isn't a unique accomplishment and there wasn't much else worth noting so the whole thing seemed like a joke.

I received very limited attention yesterday and I enjoyed the time I had with my family. I'll never be a person you would throw a gushy, surprise birthday party for but I'm working on tempering the old feeling of dread.

Last night the family had pizza, laughed a lot, and gave me some books I really wanted. Later my daughters, my granddaughter, and I decorated a cut out from a manila file folder. It's a project my granddaughter brought home from school on her first day of kindergarten. She was supposed to enlist the help of her family to dress up this manila 'child'. Never being the type to do anything simple the girls made clothes and jewelry for this manila Barbie complete with a jean skirt which I got to sew fringe on. As I looked at that piece of file folder sporting all that style I smiled. Hoop earrings, curly hair, a flashy belt, a jean skirt, and some pink shoes didn't look odd on her at all. Maybe I could learn something from the manila Barbie. She didn't start out as much but the loving 'attention' endowed on her made her great.

Crucifixion Focus

2006-08-30T21:11:00.000-04:00

The religion of my childhood was what I call 'crucifixion focused'. To the followers of this type of Christianity the purpose of Jesus' birth was his death, the crucifixion. He was sent to be the sacrificial lamb. His death was orchestrated prior to his birth to satisfy a God that could only be appeased with bloodshed.

As a child we attended churches in which fear was used to drive you to the altar. I can still hear the preacher’s voices asking if this was the last chance we would have to “make it right”. Would we leave that room, die, and burn forever in hell? First they installed the fear and then they gave us the simple solution… pray and tell Jesus you accepted Him as your Savior. Jesus did all the spiritual work for you, you just signed up and road his coat tails. It was a 'save your skin' decision when we pranced to the altar with the sound of 'Just As I Am' ringing in our ears.

There was little focus on following the teachings of Jesus in the religion of my childhood. Jesus was a sacrificial lamb, his life was secondary to his death. The teachings during His life were never seen as His purpose. He was born to die for us… to do our spiritual work for us. We weren’t taught to seek spiritual enlightenment as individuals. Don't look too deep or ask too many questions.

I have come to believe a focus on the Crucifixion within Christianity has hindered the spiritual growth and enlightenment of millions. It has become a distraction from the path the children of God are called to walk, a path of seeking, learning, and growing in the spirit of God… a path of loving all people, striving for a higher consciousness, and growing in spiritual wisdom. I just can't believe Jesus intended us to view him this way.

I believe the purpose of Jesus' birth was the guidance and wisdom he came to share with us. His teachings sought to guide us toward a better understanding of what is real, what matters, what transcends our bodily walk on this earth. He sought to guide us toward a place of enlightenment, away from the dogmas of religion and toward a place of ultimate truth and oneness with God... the real kingdom. He reminded us to love God and love each other.

By allowing Himself to be seen ‘post death’ Jesus allowed us to understand that the duration of this life is not where our reality is, our life is not bound to this realm and the Kingdom of God isn’t either. It so clearly reinforced Jesus’ teachings during His physical life. The ‘real world’ (the Kingdom of God) is where we are to seek to dwell, for that is the world that transcends bodily death and is eternal. The crucifixion couldn't hinder the existence of God's son, you cannot kill love.

I truly believe the focus on the Crucifixion has watered down the necessity of spiritual work for many people. There is no need for silent meditation, to be still in the presence of God and listen for His wisdom. There is no need for searching the many spiritual writings and asking God to give you understanding, to help you discern the threads of truth woven through those text. There is no need to take up the robes of mercy and to be the love of God to a hurting world. You’ve got your eternal ‘free pass’ just for the asking.

The world is hurting, people are suffering, and there is a growing vacuum in the heart of the human race… a void that weeps. People don’t see children of God when they view the faces of those unlike them in culture, unlike them in religious history, unlike them in politics, or unlike them in race. The time is at hand to ‘be’ the sons and daughters of God, to love, to heal, and to mend. The time is at hand to put aside our differences and value the part of each human being that is the breath of God. The time is at hand for each of us as individuals to seek spiritual enlightenment so that we might contribute to the healing of the world.

I see the crucifixion of Jesus as the inevitable result of a radical ministry, an uncomfortable truth. I see the post death continuation of that ministry as the source of faith.

How?

2006-08-29T07:12:00.000-04:00

In my previous post I shared some questions and thoughts that have been on my mind about beginning the healing of the world with 'I'. In reading back over it I asked the simple question... "but how?" How do I make a difference? Where do I begin? The answer was almost audible... You begin in the only place you can, wherever you are.

I seem to have this all or nothing road block in my mind. It proves to be an obstacle at times. Even thinking about the expansive problems and needs of the human race is intimidating and makes one person in one small place on the planet feel completely inadequate, helpless, and of no value in the overall scheme of things.

As I thought about it I realized that the starting point was closer than my town, closer than my neighborhood. The starting point was me.

"If you do not give yourself peace, how can you share it with others? If you do not begin your peace work with yourself, where will you go to begin it? To sit, to smile, to look at things and really see them, these are the basis of peace work." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Thich Nhat Hanh expresses a great deal of wisdom. I must realize that someone who is not peaceful cannot work for peace, someone who is not loving cannot share love, someone that has no hope cannot share hope. A person who has spent their time in silence, who has released their grip on the ego, and has allowed a change in their presence will make ripples wherever they go. The fruits of such a spirit will positively affect the world.

I

2006-08-27T19:59:00.000-04:00

I grew up in the Vietnam era. Music was often more than entertaining, it pleaded for sanity, begged for awareness, and expressed the desperate desires of a hurting world. "Where have all the flowers gone?" written by Pete Seeger and performed by Peter, Paul, and Mary encapsulated the abusurdity of war and the self destructive nature of the human race.

I've been struck by lyrics in resent years that seem to echo a call to personal responsibility. We all know the problems in our world but do we believe the answer is 'I'? Two such lyrics come to mind:

Waiting, for your modern messiah
To take away all the hatred
That darkens the light in your eye
Still awaiting. I ~ Disturbed

Who is to blame?
We'll surely melt in the rain
Say I, Say I
Say I, Say I
Say I, Say I ~ Creed

Darkness is the absence of light. To remove darkness you turn on the light. Fear, hatred, apathy, intolerance, destruction, and pain are the absence of love. Love fills the void, warms the cold, and heals the heart of God that is present in all of creation.

We keep waiting for the big, bright light to shine away all the darkness in our world when that isn't the way it's designed. Each of us are endowed with 'the light'. The cumalitive effect of the enlightenment of humanity, one heart at a time, will be the banishment of darkness, pain, suffering, and hate.

When the questions are asked...
Who will feed my sheep? I?
Who will love my children? I?
Who will have the heart of peace? I?
Who will be my hand of mercy? I?
Who will stand for love? I?

And finally (back to the sixties) the unforgettable lyrics of Bob Dylan...
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

SAY I.

Dandelions

2006-08-25T07:31:00.000-04:00

Hundreds of dandelions have graced my home and office over the years, sitting in coffee cups, paper cups, and juice glasses. They usually came to me by the outstretched hand of someone I love. "Mom!" they called as they came running into the house. I turned and saw sparkling eyes and tiny fists full of bright yellow dandelions. There will never be a florist that can deliver something so spectacular.

"These are for you Tigger." my granddaughter beams as she hands me the dandelions. Some magic is consistent in our lives. I've even received a few from the outstretched hand of my husband (who gets it). Watching him scurry across the lawn, pick a dandelion, and hand it to me when we're getting in the car reminds me that I'm loved.

Thank God for Dandelions, the symbol of everyday blessings.

Who Did You Love?

2006-08-24T09:46:00.000-04:00

Several times over the years I've read that the one question we will be asked by God is... "Who did you love?"

"Lovest thou me?" Jesus asked. In another passage he referenced people from all sorts of circumstances to tell us who Jesus is to us. That's me, that's me, that's me he communicated. He was teaching us how to think of the son of God, not in one man but in all the children of God (desirable in our eyes or not, like us or not).

I get a lot of emails forwarded to me by people who no doubt think of themselves as good Christian people. The emails are hate based distortions against all sorts of people who are 'the problem'... gays, Muslims, Mexicans, etc. I try to ignore it but it's hard. I wonder if people would have an easier time answering if God were to ask them "Who did you hate?".

I'm baffled by the approach many take to religion. It seems they simply convert God to their way of thinking. God hates what they hate, God thinks what they think. I guess it's less trouble to imagine God to be just like you, to create a God in your image, than it is to seek enlightenment. It's scary when people claim to have experienced some conversion and the only thing different about them is now they claim God backs them up.

I can't say that I have an inside track with God or that I have this magnificent source of love and life figured out. I'm actually comforted by that. God doesn't fit into a box, mine or yours.

I hope I can free my heart and my mind enough in the years I have remaining on this earth so that I can answer with more than "me and mine" when God asks me... "who did you love?"